Archive - 2016

Once upon a time there was a very sad lonely little girl. She desperately wanted to grow up and be a happy woman. She’s 50. Didn’t happen. The end.

Ok, I am officially in a freak out mode that I can’t shake. How in the world do I get out of this? I am 50 years old and I can’t imagine living one more day feeling like this. Today had been horrible from the time I woke up and right now I am debating what to do. Not what to do next week or what to do tomorrow but what to do right now. In the next hour, the next minute, the next few seconds. Concentrating on breathing and not having a visible breakdown. Telling myself “don’t cry”, “don’t scream”, “don’t go get in the car”. Nobody on this earth to talk to. I’m in crisis mode and I’m there all alone. This is my life. This is my hell. And I desperately want to remove myself from it and those who have to deal with me. I just don’t know how to “look at the good”, “cheer up”, “chill out”, etc. I do not know how to get better. I watched a few episodes of INTERVENTION tonight and I had a thought. They should consider creating the same type of show for those suffering from depression and anxiety. Because, let me tell you, I would RUN to the plane if I thought there was a chance in hell I could ever feel normal. Much like an addiction, mental illness consumes you, changes you, affects every aspect of your life, hurts your family, is physically painful, makes you feel helpless, hopeless, and feels like it will never end. It is sometimes just not as obvious as an addiction. It is getting harder for me to hide, though. Impossible most of the time. I would absolutely go back to counseling if I had the time or the money but I don’t have either. About to start a new job which should be exciting but I can’t even get excited about that. Sleep doesn’t even offer much relief anymore because I don’t sleep well and I know what waking up is going to feel like. Panic. Horror. Terror. Anxiety. More panic. What to do? Any ideas? (Insert crickets chirping here) Me either. Absolutely no idea what to do. All I know it’s that I’m doing it alone.

There’s a different level of darkness than ever before. It is all consuming. I feel like I am watching my life happen. I got good news but I can’t enjoy it because good news only means the next punch in the gut is coming. It always does. Always. Yesterday I had one of the worst days I’ve had in several years. I literally thought I was going to have to get in the car and just drive for a while but to where? I think I really knew I probably didn’t need to. I wasn’t even thinking clearly and I couldn’t calm my thoughts down. Sometime when I’m in the darkest of dark places and want to be alone, I know it probably wouldn’t be wise. Today has been okay though. I’ve felt happy even, which is more confusing. Even that worries me. Why such a peaceful day after such a bad one? Calm before the next storm? Will I wake up looking forward to another good day or will I wake up to the extreme panic because I’m afraid of another dark day? How do I control it? I try to CHOOSE to have a good day but it isn’t that simple. The fear is so deeply rooted that it is ever present. Sometimes hidden but always, always there. This is my reality.

Well, I discovered something this weekend. I really have a lot of people fooled. A whole lot of people. Some actually think I have periods of feeling this way. No. That is absolutely incorrect. I have periods of feeling okay. The other is constant. I wake up anxious, panicked and depressed and I go to bed anxious, panicked and depressed and that is how I feel throughout the day, with a few moments of feeling alright. The physical exhaustion is getting worse by the day. I can barely keep the house picked up and laundry done. Everything I manage to do, I have to force myself to do. Everything. And some things are about to change for me and that is causing more anxiety than normal. Sometimes I wonder about all of the people that I THINK have it all together. Do they really? Or are they just like me….faking it on the outside and desperately just trying to hold it all together on the inside? Still hopeful that things will eventually get better. Or maybe I just need to take back my old way of thinking…from when I was a kid….this is just how it is. Deal with it.

Some days I have to hold back the tears. Some days they wouldn’t come if I wanted them to. Some days there are periods of both feelings. Today was the latter. But when the tears won’t come, there’s another feeling that comes along with that. I honestly feel like I’m going to explode. Or scream. Or scream until I explode. I remember when my youngest son was little, he would get so frustrated he would throw a horrible fit. To the point I would put him in his room, shut the door and just let him get it out. There was no reasoning with him. Spanking didn’t work. Nothing. I think I totally understand how he felt. It’s just that you can kind of get away with it when you’re 3. Not so much when you’re 50. I want to be alone and kick and scream and punch something until I feel better. The sadness is overwhelming today. It’s that “the world is a horrible place”, “why are people so mean to each other”, “why is there so much pain, sickness, disease, blah, blah, blah in the world”, “the unwanted, the unloved, the forgotten, the hurting”…..these thoughts and the images that accompany them have completely ravaged my mind today and I DO NOT KNOW how to make it all stop. These are the things that make me feel crazy. And I am helpless to change anything. I can’t even help myself. How can the author of this “look how screwed up I am” blog help anyone else? I can’t. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I hurt. I’m sad. I feel forgotten in a way. And I feel so bad for those who do love me. What a freaking mess they are in. This is all I remember ever feeling….from the time I can remember anything I remember being so very sad. So I guess this is just how I was created to feel? Well THAT’S depressing. I just don’t get it. Surely if I was created this way there is a purpose for it. Or maybe not. Who knows?

I wish I could turn my mind off. I don’t know if I’m really physically tired all of the time or if I’m so mentally exhausted that it makes me FEEL physically tired. My thoughts race. I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate. I can’t stop worrying, imagining the worst, the what-if’s, the feeling of impending doom. I am trying not to become what I despise the most. I try so hard not act needy that I actually push people away. I come across uninterested or like I’m not paying attention. But I am listening. Taking it all in, trying to process everything, overthinking. What did you really mean by that? Why did you say that? Do you really care or just acting like you do so I will be okay? Faking it is so completely exhausting. I want to be able to smile on the inside, not just on the outside. And I’m well aware that things could be worse. A lot worse. I just get so very sick of that reasoning. Every Christian I know says that when things are bad. I KNOW they could be worse. ARE worse for so many people. The world is a terrible place and getting worse every day. So much hate. So much cruelty. People are mean. Why?? Because everyone doesn’t think, feel or believe the way they do? I have changed the way I think about so many things. I am a Christian, yes, but I have friends who are not. I am straight but have friends who I love who are not. I am a Republican but have friends who are Democrats. So? All of this just makes me more and more sad. The way the world is, I mean. So very sad. Maybe in my desperation to find God again, I see Him where I had never thought to look before. But that’s another post altogether.

Worst day in a long time. Barely made it through church….actually had to step out once, go sit in the bathroom and cry. Then after the worship team did a song called, “I Am Not Alone”, someone told me that they had felt the song was for me, and I couldn’t even say a word to her. Could not say one single word. I always feel alone. Every second of every day. So, WAS that for me? I have no idea. Then we all went to lunch, and I had to walk out before everyone else even finished eating and was crying before I got out the door. Then, while taking a bath, I literally had to stifle a scream. All I wanted to do was scream. As loud as I could. This is why I need alone time. There was a time that I would actually get in the car, drive around and scream. Will probably just get back on all medicine. I have said myself that it doesn’t solve anything, just masks it. Well, lets get the mask on then. What other choice is there really? Masking it is better than this. Much easier to be a fake when you’re doped up anyway.

You know what drives me absolutely crazy? Not that that’s a trip I need help taking….is for someone to think they have me figured out. NOBODY has ever done that. Nobody. I do NOT feel sorry for myself and I am NOT on a pity party. Depression is a diagnosis, not a feeling. Same with anxiety. What I try to be is honest. I desperately don’t want to go to church. I believe in God and I think we have a great pastor. Yes, I have questions and there is a lot, and I mean a LOT, I don’t understand, but I just don’t feel one bit closer to God at church. Feeling close to God should be peaceful and church causes me great anxiety so I don’t feel His presence one bit. As a matter of fact, I feel farther away there than anywhere. But….I feel obligated to go so that’s just how that works. I’ve barely heard a word our pastor has said in five years.

Well, they say misery loves company. Maybe so…..unless you’re me. Then misery likes to be alone. Except there is no way…noWHERE for that to happen. I just want to have one good day. One day without panic. One day without without my heart pounding in my chest. One day where I can’t physically feel my insides shaking. One day. Just one. Today was overwhelming. I am completely exhausted. I battle back and forth about seeing a counselor again. Don’t really have the time or money to go, plus there’s the part where I’m not totally honest about everything when I do go so it doesn’t help like it should anyway. It’s really weird. I go from total panic mode to being completely numb. Too numb to cry, too numb to talk, too numb to even worry. But numb not calm. There is a big difference. I would welcome calm. Peace and calm. Anyone know where I can find those two friends, I’d love to know where they are. I’ve searched for them for as long as I can remember.

I used to actually think 1) that we all have a purpose, and 2) that it is possible for everyone to be happy. I’m not convinced of either of those things anymore. I think that my 1) purpose is to 2) be miserable. I am completely exhausted. Never been more tired. Defeated. I’ve never felt like God cared any less about me or my family. No comfort. No peace. Nothing. Pray….nothing. Not ever.