Archive - July 2016

Once upon a time there was a very sad lonely little girl. She desperately wanted to grow up and be a happy woman. She’s 50. Didn’t happen. The end.

Ok, I am officially in a freak out mode that I can’t shake. How in the world do I get out of this? I am 50 years old and I can’t imagine living one more day feeling like this. Today had been horrible from the time I woke up and right now I am debating what to do. Not what to do next week or what to do tomorrow but what to do right now. In the next hour, the next minute, the next few seconds. Concentrating on breathing and not having a visible breakdown. Telling myself “don’t cry”, “don’t scream”, “don’t go get in the car”. Nobody on this earth to talk to. I’m in crisis mode and I’m there all alone. This is my life. This is my hell. And I desperately want to remove myself from it and those who have to deal with me. I just don’t know how to “look at the good”, “cheer up”, “chill out”, etc. I do not know how to get better. I watched a few episodes of INTERVENTION tonight and I had a thought. They should consider creating the same type of show for those suffering from depression and anxiety. Because, let me tell you, I would RUN to the plane if I thought there was a chance in hell I could ever feel normal. Much like an addiction, mental illness consumes you, changes you, affects every aspect of your life, hurts your family, is physically painful, makes you feel helpless, hopeless, and feels like it will never end. It is sometimes just not as obvious as an addiction. It is getting harder for me to hide, though. Impossible most of the time. I would absolutely go back to counseling if I had the time or the money but I don’t have either. About to start a new job which should be exciting but I can’t even get excited about that. Sleep doesn’t even offer much relief anymore because I don’t sleep well and I know what waking up is going to feel like. Panic. Horror. Terror. Anxiety. More panic. What to do? Any ideas? (Insert crickets chirping here) Me either. Absolutely no idea what to do. All I know it’s that I’m doing it alone.

There’s a different level of darkness than ever before. It is all consuming. I feel like I am watching my life happen. I got good news but I can’t enjoy it because good news only means the next punch in the gut is coming. It always does. Always. Yesterday I had one of the worst days I’ve had in several years. I literally thought I was going to have to get in the car and just drive for a while but to where? I think I really knew I probably didn’t need to. I wasn’t even thinking clearly and I couldn’t calm my thoughts down. Sometime when I’m in the darkest of dark places and want to be alone, I know it probably wouldn’t be wise. Today has been okay though. I’ve felt happy even, which is more confusing. Even that worries me. Why such a peaceful day after such a bad one? Calm before the next storm? Will I wake up looking forward to another good day or will I wake up to the extreme panic because I’m afraid of another dark day? How do I control it? I try to CHOOSE to have a good day but it isn’t that simple. The fear is so deeply rooted that it is ever present. Sometimes hidden but always, always there. This is my reality.

Well, I discovered something this weekend. I really have a lot of people fooled. A whole lot of people. Some actually think I have periods of feeling this way. No. That is absolutely incorrect. I have periods of feeling okay. The other is constant. I wake up anxious, panicked and depressed and I go to bed anxious, panicked and depressed and that is how I feel throughout the day, with a few moments of feeling alright. The physical exhaustion is getting worse by the day. I can barely keep the house picked up and laundry done. Everything I manage to do, I have to force myself to do. Everything. And some things are about to change for me and that is causing more anxiety than normal. Sometimes I wonder about all of the people that I THINK have it all together. Do they really? Or are they just like me….faking it on the outside and desperately just trying to hold it all together on the inside? Still hopeful that things will eventually get better. Or maybe I just need to take back my old way of thinking…from when I was a kid….this is just how it is. Deal with it.