Archive - July 2015

April 1991. That is when I learned the true meaning of the word hate. Not dislike, disappointment, anger, rage, etc. Hate. That is a very strong word with a very strong meaning. And I still feel it. Every day. I believe I always will. Which is extremely disturbing since I also believe that if you aren’t capable of giving forgiveness, you are also incapable of receiving it. So, there’s THAT looming over my head all of the time. It’s scary to have an emotion that you don’t know how to handle, how to get rid of, how to cope with. How do you make yourself stop feeling something? I think about it every single day. It has become almost an obsession again. Something I just can’t forget about. Twenty-four years later and the feeling is just as raw and as real as if it happened today. I have also been reminded of something in just the last few days. I can turn my feelings off within seconds, with the exception of my kids. Literally. I can love and care about you and your life one minute and the next minute, I really couldn’t care less. If you’re done being a part of my life then I’m okay with that and you can go away and stay away. I guess I shouldn’t say I can love and care about you because I’m not sure that I love people the way I’m supposed to. I do love my kids more than anything or anyone in the world. I would die for them and I would kill for them. I know I love them the way I’m supposed to. That love is unconditional. I don’t really get over things. Ever. Things that were said and done to me play over and over and over in my head constantly and I don’t know how to make them stop. It hurts. I have also learned that it is much easier to be mad than to be hurt. So I just stay mad. I don’t know. It is just beyond exhausting to even think about it or try to make it stop. So, I have survived another day. Yay. And I will survive another one tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. Until there are no days left.

I’m trying to decide what would be better. Continuing to try to figure out how to be happy, or just accepting the fact that I will never be. I think it just is not in the cards for me. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like.  I think if I just never expect happiness then I won’t be disappointed when it never comes. Just try to make the best of every day, which is getting harder all of the time. I have several different levels of depression. One, I can fool everybody….and I do mean EVERYBODY….into thinking that I am just as happy as anyone. Another level and I can fool “outsiders”, meaning everyone except the people I live with. The next level, it is obvious to everyone that I am miserable. And finally comes the level that I am at now. The “shut-down”. I don’t want to do anything or be around anyone. I want to sleep. I don’t want to think. Smiling is a real effort. Even minor conversation is almost impossible. I don’t find any joy or happiness in anything. Miserable at home, miserable at work, miserable at church, miserable around people, miserable alone. No desire to even attempt to fake it any more. I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep. Forever.

Depression is so very physically exhausting. Just when I think I may be on my way to feeling normal, there’s another bad day. Actually another terrible day. Today was bad at work, then the tears started as soon as I pulled out of the parking lot. And they continued, completely uncontrollably, for a good part of the evenimg. I sat outside a lot, just to keep everyone away and not have to answer any questions. I just think life is so very sad. There’s more bad than good in this world. More sadness than happiness. More pain than comfort. More sickness than health. Life is sad enough, but it’s so much worse when you’re going through it alone, which I feel like I am. Nobody can possibly understand the things that I think about. I realized something today. I don’t think I even know HOW to be happy. Maybe I’ll figure it out some day. But for now, time to go to the only happy place I know. Sleep.