Archive - April 2015

You know the movie “Sleepless in Seattle”?  Well, I’m going to make a movie and call it “Hopeless in Bowie”!  Guess that’s not really funny, but it made me mentally chuckle just a little.  Laugh instead of crying, that’s what I’m trying to do.  I even amaze myself sometimes at just how well I can “fake it” when I have to.  The last few days have been rough. Really, really rough. Wednesday was absolutely horrible.  I spent the whole day fighting back tears. Then yesterday started out great, but progressively became very difficult. And woke up today with ALL of the panic symptoms. Oh, and I’ve added one. When I get upset or anxious, my right eye twitches. So, if you’re reading this and you know who I am and you ever see me somewhere and I am clutching my chest, trying to catch my breath, sweating, running to a bathroom because my stomach is upset, shaking AND my right eye is twitching, just back away. Slowly. Maybe throw a Snicker or some other form of chocolate at me as you go. I JUST want to feel like I’m not about to lose it ALL OF THE TIME. Like I said, yesterday started out good. Then in the afternoon, something happened that just stirred up some old memories. Really, really, really OLD really TERRIBLE memories. And the panic began. It started as anger, really. Not just anger but rage. Uncontrollable rage and hatred. Yes, hatred. Which is wrong. So, then I go from the rage and feelings of hate to the guilt for feeling that way. Guilt because we are not supposed to hate. Not supposed to “sin in our anger”, and that is exactly what I do. Sin in my anger. Almost every….single….day. I do need to go back to a counselor. I can’t, but I need to. Normal….Normal….wherefore art thou, Normal? I really do feel completely hopeless. More right this second than I have in a very long time. It almost makes it worse when I have a good day because I get my hopes up that I am going to feel better. Then another bad day comes and along with it comes the let down that I was wrong. It hurts. A lot. Oh, and I have a birthday coming up in a few days, which is depressing since I still don’t know what in the heck I am even doing here. About to be 49 and have no clue why I am even on this earth. Unless you suffer from panic and anxiety, you have no idea what it feels like to be sitting at work, shopping at Walmart, or even having dinner with your family, all while a tumultuous storm is stirring inside you. INSIDE, you are screaming and wanting to run. Just run away and hide. Run and let your inside scream become a real scream while you try to escape the mental torture you are constantly in. Part of my job involves reading medical charts. There are days I am absolutely terrified by what I read. Not just by the content but by the realization of how much I have in common with the people who present with mental and emotional issues. We have a terrifying amount in common. Some of them are referred to counselling facilities, some are transferred to inpatient facilities, most of them are or have been substance abusers. Many are suicidal. When did they get to that point? Did they start out feeling just like I feel right now? Is that where I am headed? Are they actually better off than me because at least they are seeking treatment? I’m STILL not taking any of my “crazy” medicine. I’m STILL debating on whether or not I should be. There has got to be a way for me to just function as a normal human being without having to be drugged to do it. Surely.

Last Sunday was Easter Sunday and it actually started off pretty well. I felt good…calm even…at church, which is rare. I enjoyed the service. I even felt the presence of God for a very brief moment. First time for that in years. Then lunch at my mom’s with my whole family, which started out well. Then it began. The fear, the anxiety, the panic, the knot in my stomach, the chest pain, the loneliness. I can be just as lonely in a room full of people as when I am actually alone. Sometimes more so. And no one has a clue. The emotional pain is horrific. Just one comment, one look from someone, and a good day turns into a day of mental chaos for me. And it starts over nothing.  My family does not fight and no one said anything in particular to make me feel the way I was feeling but once it starts it is impossible to stop it.  So, there went my brief period of “normal”.  Oh, well. I did enjoy it while it lasted.  I wish I had some kind of warning sign so I would possibly be able to intercept the feelings and perhaps even stop the emotional roller coaster before it starts, but it comes on too fast.  I am still in search of a purpose, trying to figure out what I can do in this world that would make a difference. How can I make some kind of difference? What is my passion? What “cause” do I believe in? Well, there are lots but I feel helpless to be of any benefit to any of them. If I could pick something, I would do something to benefit animals. That, right now, is the thing that breaks my heart the most. So many unloved, unwanted animals that need a home, that just want someone to love them. I feel like I share something with them in a way.  They’re lonely…..so am I. The way they LOOK in all of the sad pictures and videos we all see on TV and online….the sad eyes and lowered head, the look of defeat….that may not be how I am looking on the outside, but it is always how I am feeling on the inside. Always.

Oh, how I wish I could understand my own though process. Things are good….really good. I’ve had some really good things happen in the last few weeks. We’ve had good news, everyone is healthy, I had everyone together and had a blast last weekend. And I am completely miserable. Completely. The knot in my stomach never ever goes away. I am just laying in wait for something to go wrong. For something terrible to happen. For the moment to be ruined. My phone goes off and my heart starts to pound and my chest starts to burn and my mouth gets dry because I’m afraid it will be something bad. I do not know how to make this stop. It is so mentally and physically exhausting. I have no interest in anything except what absolutely has to be done. I’ve never been so tired. Oh, and I have a birthday coming up. Yippee. Just once I want to look back and think, “wow, what a great year” instead of looking back and thinking, “well, I got through that….glad it’s over”. I keep thinking I’ll wake up one morning and feel normal, but it never happens. I wake up the same lonely, terrified person every day. So since I can’t “talk it out” with anyone I just “type it out” here. It does help some, I guess. For the moment.