Archive - May 2015

Just do not know how much longer I can do this. Never been more tired. Faking it is getting harder. The low times are lower than ever. I just want the misery and disappointment to stop. I don’t know what to do anymore.

My favorite room in my house again lately, is my bathroom. Weird, huh? That’s where I can go be by myself. And cry. And cry and cry and cry when I’m in the bathtub. And nobody knows it. I guess. It would be impossible to explain anyway. What would I say if anyone asked me what was wrong? Oh, I don’t know….just sat in the bathtub and bawled my eyes out over every child that is being mistreated, every animal that has been abandoned or is being mistreated. The homeless. The hopeless. The hungry. The others doing exactly what I’m doing right now. Those of us who have bad childhood memories. The elderly that have been forgotten. The ones that have loved ones who are missing. Those who have buried children. The list is never-ending and it is on my mind all of the time. The images, the thoughts, they never ever go away. Oh, there are days that I am a GREAT fake. I learned that at a very early age. I see little things about myself change all of the time. For example, I used to be such a “baby fanatic”. I wanted to hold all of them, love on them and kiss them. It made me really happy. New life, new hope. I see that differently now. I see a new baby and I think two things. One, about the mistakes I feel like I’ve made with my own kids….things I would do differently, but it’s too late. Two, I think people should think hard….really, really hard….before bringing a child into this world now. The world is a terrible place. A TERRIBLE place. It’s so easy to think how great, how fun, how sweet it would be to have a baby. And it is. I can not imagine my life without my kids. There have been times they have saved my life. Literally. But the world is getting worse every day and I wonder now, what are people bringing them in to? What will they have to go through? They didn’t ask to be brought into this world. I really think that, any more, if people really desire to be parents they should seriously consider adoption. There are lots of children who have already been brought into this world who need homes, need someone to love them, need someone to give them a chance. Waiting. Being passed over. Knowing that nobody wants them. What a miserable existence. We all need to look at the big picture. It isn’t just about us. There’s way more to it. I’m still not sure where I am spiritually, but I know my heart has softened about a lot of things and I’m getting there. Slowly, but I am at least attempting to see people through the eyes of Christ instead of my own eyes. They look a lot better that way.

The sadness has become overwhelming….almost unbearable again. I let my family see tears for the first time again the other day. I am just so very very sad and back to wanting to do nothing but sleep. Kids are all happy and healthy, husband is supportive, I’m loving being a “dog mom”, that has actually helped tremendously with the loneliness, but I’m still miserable. I just don’t get it. I don’t have the energy to keep this up.  Tomorrow is mother’s day and I’m not looking forward to any part of it.  Instead of the celebration of being a mom, all I will think about is what a failure I feel like I have been.  I will think of all the things I would have done differently, and I will be wondering what my sons think of me.  And I will imagine the worst. I mean, I will imagine that they think the worst. Then the guilt comes. They say that sociopaths feel no guilt. They feel justified in whatever they do. Surely there is something between what they feel and what I feel. Maybe that’s where my normal is. Sometimes I don’t think I deserve to feel normal….to feel happy. I feel like I’m too bad of a person to deserve happiness. Too much anger. Too much hatred. Too much unforgiveness. Too many things I can’t get over. I really am my own worst enemy. Time to stop thinking about it all……and just go to sleep. And dread tomorrow.