Archive - June 12, 2016

You know what drives me absolutely crazy? Not that that’s a trip I need help taking….is for someone to think they have me figured out. NOBODY has ever done that. Nobody. I do NOT feel sorry for myself and I am NOT on a pity party. Depression is a diagnosis, not a feeling. Same with anxiety. What I try to be is honest. I desperately don’t want to go to church. I believe in God and I think we have a great pastor. Yes, I have questions and there is a lot, and I mean a LOT, I don’t understand, but I just don’t feel one bit closer to God at church. Feeling close to God should be peaceful and church causes me great anxiety so I don’t feel His presence one bit. As a matter of fact, I feel farther away there than anywhere. But….I feel obligated to go so that’s just how that works. I’ve barely heard a word our pastor has said in five years.

Well, they say misery loves company. Maybe so…..unless you’re me. Then misery likes to be alone. Except there is no way…noWHERE for that to happen. I just want to have one good day. One day without panic. One day without without my heart pounding in my chest. One day where I can’t physically feel my insides shaking. One day. Just one. Today was overwhelming. I am completely exhausted. I battle back and forth about seeing a counselor again. Don’t really have the time or money to go, plus there’s the part where I’m not totally honest about everything when I do go so it doesn’t help like it should anyway. It’s really weird. I go from total panic mode to being completely numb. Too numb to cry, too numb to talk, too numb to even worry. But numb not calm. There is a big difference. I would welcome calm. Peace and calm. Anyone know where I can find those two friends, I’d love to know where they are. I’ve searched for them for as long as I can remember.