Archive - June 2017

I’ve never before written more than one post in a day, even though the first one was just a plea for someone to respond. BUT, since I’ve decided this is more just a way for me to journal than an actual blog, here goes. I’m taking my medicine, but I feel like I am actually getting worse. The OCD is starting to get bad….or what I consider bad. Most people probably already thought it was. Everything makes me sad. Absolutely everything. And it’s getting harder and harder and harder to “get over” something once it starts to bother me. Like everything is amplified. The depression is deepening and the anxiety is worse and more frequent. The chest burning, heart pounding panic attacks are almost unbearable. And I so desperately want to go back to school, but don’t feel like I can. I can’t stop working, so I would have to take all classes online. I know I could do it, but I don’t have enough money to go and I KNOW I would get absolutely no support anyway. Just like I didn’t get any support to do what I wanted to do 33 years ago. If only I could go back. I just feel so very lost. And sad. There’s a sadness that just makes me think, “awe, that was a terrible thing that happened”, then I just go on with my day and place it in the back of my mind. Then there’s the gut-wrenching, overwhelming, paralyzing type of sadness that shuts me down completely. That’s where I’ve been the last few days. Shut. Down. And alone. Of course, I hear, “You ok?”, “Feel bad?”, etc., etc., etc. And I answer that I’m fine and I don’t feel bad. And I lie. And lie. And lie. Of COURSE I’m not okay and of COURSE I feel bad. I feel terrible. Oh, not physically most of the time, but mentally I am in complete turmoil. And nobody gets it. Absolutely nobody. I just typed that there was only one person that would understand, but I deleted it because I realized that not even that person understands the depth of my depression now. I’m not suicidal, though. I’m too afraid to die to be suicidal. Still too unsure of what lies in wait in the afterlife, if there is one. But, I am erring on the side of caution that there may actually be a hell and I would prefer NOT to spend eternity in it. The thought of an afterlife does not bring me peace, it only brings me terror. I guess that should tell me something. I would love to just sleep. Sleep and sleep and sleep. Can’t think when you’re asleep, so can’t worry either. The only PLACE I find the the least bit of peace is the ocean. The sound, the smell….it’s very comforting to me. If I could live anywhere on earth, it would be somewhere on the coast. I wouldn’t even care what coast. I would give up every possession I have for a beach house. Just me, my family and my dogs (and maybe more dogs).

I normally don’t actually ask for feedback, but I am this time. What do you believe in, religiously speaking, and why? And this is not for the sake of argument because right now I am just searching. So I am curious, and feel free to be honest, whatever you do or don’t believe.

So, this is how my mind feels. Complete confusion. And exhaustion. Today was hard. Fighting tears all day, could barely force a smile, don’t want to talk. Well, I do want to talk, but that isn’t going to happen. What would I say anyway? Just what I typed. That I’m having an exceptionally hard time today and want to cry but I have no idea why it’s worse today. Nothing bad happened, just the “feeling of impending doom” was way worse today. What next? What bad thing is about to happen? How bad will tomorrow be? Will I wake up in a panic? There was a ladies night at church tonight. Oh, I didn’t go, just read about it on Facebook. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, seems worse to me than spending an evening with a bunch of women. Women I have nothing in common with. What would I have to contribute to any conversation? “How is your anxiety and depression today? How many times did you cry today? Oh, yes my steak is delicious. Did you have to take an extra long bath last night so you could get yourself together so your family didn’t know you’d been crying in there? Did you have to talk yourself out of getting in your car and driving until you ran out of gas and hoping no one would even come look for you? Did you go to sleep dreading waking up? Oh, that’s such a cute dress.” No, thanks. I can fake it only so much. Ok, so back to the confusion. I’ve been thinking a lot lately…..probably not a good thing…..and I realized that I am 51 years old and just in the last year or year and a half am I realizing what I think about some things. What do I really think? It’s little things that are starting to make me think. I have a tattoo on my foot. I love it. Well, I used to “think” that tattoos, no matter where they were or what they were of, looked a bit trashy on women. DID I think that?? No, I didn’t. I was TOLD to think that. I agreed with people who thought that. Or, I TOLD them I agreed. And religion….still trying to figure that one out. I don’t know what I think. I know that I attend church because I’ve been told that is what good Christians do and that if I’m not a good little Christian I will burn in hell for all of eternity. Not something I want to experience. But all religions believe wholeheartedly that they are right. Christians have documents (Bible), and other religions have documents that they believe are correct. Everyone thinks they are the only ones that are right. So, basically I just have no earthly idea. All I know is that I want to believe in something again. I want something to give me peace. Anything. If I am going to attend church, I would like to at least feel SOMETHING. Anything at all. I am moved by nothing. I go to church and basically play with my phone or make a grocery list for the HOUR AND A HALF AT LEAST that I am there. THAT is exhausting. I feel absolutely nothing while I’m there. No conviction, no emotion, nothing. Just want to go home. That is only a few of the things that are swirling around in my brain all day every day. So say a prayer for me, or think of me while you meditate, or do the rosary thing for me (whatever it is), ask the Saints to bless me, mention me in your time of meditation as you try to reach your Zen state. Whatever. I need all the help I can get.