Archive - August 2015

Even though I don’t really post all that often, and even though these posts are more of a way for me to vent than anything else, I think I may be done. Just one more thing for me that really has no point at all. One more pointless waste of time. I figured something out today. This IS my normal. Normal is different for everyone and unfortunately, this is it for me. That realization didn’t help at all with the depression. I no longer search for happiness, I just want to survive the day the best I can. Pretend as much as possible, cry as little as possible, put on the act that most everyone is too blind to see through. I’m not good at a whole lot of things but I am an AWESOME fake. Usually. There is probably only one person on earth that can see through it but I don’t see that individual every day so it really is pretty easy most of the time. Lately, I sit outside a lot, go tan a lot, stay in another room of the house a lot, run to Walmart a lot. Whatever it takes to make it through each day, each hour, each minute, each second. Then I sleep, wake up, medicate and do it again. I think things will be slightly better when I stop looking for something that isn’t there. Kind of like someone who keeps looking for the person they will spend the rest of their life with, but can’t seem to ever find them. Maybe there isn’t someone for everyone. Maybe they are just supposed to be alone. Maybe I was destined for survival instead of happiness. So at least if I stop looking for normal…..and happy…..I can stop being disappointed when I don’t find it. What I really want is someone to talk to, to confide in, someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay, someone who won’t get irritated on my worst days, but I don’t have that and I know, for sure now, that I never will. So, okay. I’ll stop looking for it. It doesn’t exist. I hope anyone who ever reads this can find whatever they are looking for. Peace, happiness and “normal” to you all.