Archive - March 2015

For about the last week and a half, I’ve been somewhere in between feeling great and  just not wanting to do this any more.  By “this”, I mean not wanting to do anything. I just want to sleep. And I’m so incredibly disappointed when I wake up. I have to force myself out of bed, force myself to go to work, just force myself to put one foot in front of the other. It’s so very hard. I joke about the ” bipolar” thing, but I was almost surprised when that was NOT my diagnosis. I am extreme either way. So happy I am almost giddy or so depressed I am almost nonfunctional.  Still struggling with whether or not to get back on all the medicine. But medicine only masks the problem, doesn’t it? It doesn’t change anything. Not really. I’m still struggling so much with the need to feel normal. I had a complete melt-down in Walmart parking  lot today, got myself straightened up enough to buy groceries, but was fighting tears walking out of the store, got groceries loaded and started bawling as soon as I got in the car. Geez. It is exhausting to be me. I do try to remember to be thankful. I’m thankful for a husband who loves me unconditionally. For three incredible sons. I’m not sure what I ever did right enough to deserve the blessing of being their mother. For the addition almost three and a half years ago of a precious daughter-in-law, who has been a blessing not only to my son, but to our entire family. For my middle son’s girlfriend who has also become a sweet addition to our family. For two silly dogs that I love more than I ever thought I could love animals. When I look at the big picture, I don’t even understand myself how I could ever be depressed. Why in the world would I be disappointed to wake up in the morning? Why in the world would I not look forward to, and embrace each and every day? No clue. I’m still trying to find that answer.

I thought the panic attacks were just about over.  Nope. Apparently they are not.  I woke up terrified this morning. Complete with shaking, feeling short of breath, chest burning, about to burst into tears, mind reeling, inability to focus, and upset stomach.  Miserable. And it has been going on all day long. This has become life again.  So, I am somewhat torn about whether or not to get back on all of the medicine.  I really DO NOT want to.  I don’t know what to do.  I can handle being miserable.  I’m used to it.  But I don’t want to make those around me miserable.  My family deserves better. If anyone had any idea what I hear in my mind all day long, my whole family would have me committed.  Even though my spiritual life is definitely NOT what it should be, or at least what it used to be, I do know that there is evil at work in our lives, too.  And it is always lurking around to attack.  My attacks are always mental.  The voice in the back of my mind telling me that everything that goes wrong is my fault, that I’m a terrible person, that everyone would probably be a lot better off if I were not a part of their lives, that I should just give up.  It’s a lot like living with someone who is constantly putting you down and making you feel worthless.  After a while, you start to believe it.  It becomes ingrained in your mind.  You think about it all day every day.  I’m just exhausted from it all. Tired of hiding the tears. Tired of swallowing the lump in my throat. Tired of the fake smile. So very tired. I try to think about the days that are TRULY good. Days (or sometimes just minutes) where I laugh….really laugh….and am happy.  I had one of those moments Sunday afternoon.  Laughing hysterically at the kids playing with the dogs.  Really, truly laughing. My little slice of “normal” for the day.  I treasure those moments. They are few and far between. It felt wonderful! For a little while.  Maybe someday those times will outweigh the others.

My mind feels like it is always in complete and total chaos.  All things considered, things really do seem to be going well, with the exception of a really horrible panic attack this last week….in public. Really bad. But I survived it and have been doing pretty well ever since. For the most part. I did cry a couple of times today but I managed to keep it to myself. I think so, at least. Sometimes I don’t know if no one notices if I cry or if they just don’t ask any more. Not that I could….or would….explain what made me cry even if they did ask. There are times that it is something specific that is bothering me, and there are times that I’m just overwhelmingly sad for no apparent reason. Or for lots of reasons. IF I had the money, and the time, I would probably try seeing a counselor again. Maybe a Christian counselor, since I’m still struggling so much in my spiritual walk. My relationship with God has been suffering since 2011. August of 2011 to be exact, and my life has not been the same since. So, I have got to figure out how to repair that relationship. My faith has really been tested and I have not done very well on the test. Pretty sure I failed it.  I need my relationship with God back because I’m pretty sure that He is the ONLY one who has the capability to understand me and help me calm the chaos.