Archive - June 21, 2016

Some days I have to hold back the tears. Some days they wouldn’t come if I wanted them to. Some days there are periods of both feelings. Today was the latter. But when the tears won’t come, there’s another feeling that comes along with that. I honestly feel like I’m going to explode. Or scream. Or scream until I explode. I remember when my youngest son was little, he would get so frustrated he would throw a horrible fit. To the point I would put him in his room, shut the door and just let him get it out. There was no reasoning with him. Spanking didn’t work. Nothing. I think I totally understand how he felt. It’s just that you can kind of get away with it when you’re 3. Not so much when you’re 50. I want to be alone and kick and scream and punch something until I feel better. The sadness is overwhelming today. It’s that “the world is a horrible place”, “why are people so mean to each other”, “why is there so much pain, sickness, disease, blah, blah, blah in the world”, “the unwanted, the unloved, the forgotten, the hurting”…..these thoughts and the images that accompany them have completely ravaged my mind today and I DO NOT KNOW how to make it all stop. These are the things that make me feel crazy. And I am helpless to change anything. I can’t even help myself. How can the author of this “look how screwed up I am” blog help anyone else? I can’t. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I hurt. I’m sad. I feel forgotten in a way. And I feel so bad for those who do love me. What a freaking mess they are in. This is all I remember ever feeling….from the time I can remember anything I remember being so very sad. So I guess this is just how I was created to feel? Well THAT’S depressing. I just don’t get it. Surely if I was created this way there is a purpose for it. Or maybe not. Who knows?