I wish I could turn my mind off. I don’t know if I’m really physically tired all of the time or if I’m so mentally exhausted that it makes me FEEL physically tired. My thoughts race. I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate. I can’t stop worrying, imagining the worst, the what-if’s, the feeling of impending doom. I am trying not to become what I despise the most. I try so hard not act needy that I actually push people away. I come across uninterested or like I’m not paying attention. But I am listening. Taking it all in, trying to process everything, overthinking. What did you really mean by that? Why did you say that? Do you really care or just acting like you do so I will be okay? Faking it is so completely exhausting. I want to be able to smile on the inside, not just on the outside. And I’m well aware that things could be worse. A lot worse. I just get so very sick of that reasoning. Every Christian I know says that when things are bad. I KNOW they could be worse. ARE worse for so many people. The world is a terrible place and getting worse every day. So much hate. So much cruelty. People are mean. Why?? Because everyone doesn’t think, feel or believe the way they do? I have changed the way I think about so many things. I am a Christian, yes, but I have friends who are not. I am straight but have friends who I love who are not. I am a Republican but have friends who are Democrats. So? All of this just makes me more and more sad. The way the world is, I mean. So very sad. Maybe in my desperation to find God again, I see Him where I had never thought to look before. But that’s another post altogether.