Archive - May 2016

I think it is so strange that emotional pain can actually cause physical pain. This weekend has been painful. Actually this entire past week has been. Starting with mother’s day. I would give anything in the world to just feel peaceful…ever. The thing is, I just don’t feel like I’m repairable. Emotionally, I mean. I dread everything and have my entire life. Dread waking up, dread going to bed at night because I know I will feel the knot in my stomach as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. Dreaded school as a kid and dread going to work now. Dread coming home, dread being in a group of people. Dread, dread, dread. I assume I will never feel better, assume things will never be good and if they are that it won’t last, so I can’t enjoy the good. Same thing day after day, over and over and over. I just read a book suggested to me by a precious friend. The Healing Codes. The things in it actually made sense. Even to me. And nothing spiritual ever makes sense to me any more. Not for the last five years. So, I’m going to give it a shot. I have nothing to lose. So, if you’re reading this, thank you, “Aetna”!! Maybe this IS what I am missing…the one thing that will get me over the hill I keep trying to climb, just to stumble and fall right back down. Hopefully.

Well, this is my view at the moment. Sitting in the back yard, tiki torches lit, mason jar lights around my pergola plugged in, citronella candles burning to keep the mosquitoes away and a glass of red wine. Peaceful. For now anyway. Trying to soak it all up and enjoy it and ignore the voice in the back of my mind telling me it won’t last. Telling me peace doesn’t last for long….that the anxiety and the panic will always be there waiting for me to snap out of my happy place because they have ALWAYS been there. If only I could capture a feeling the way I captured this picture. Except for me it would probably be a lot like this picture. Unclear. Fuzzy. Hard to tell what it really is. Beautiful flaming tiki torch or fire from the pits of hell waiting to engulf all of those deserving of eternal punishment? I can turn anything into something negative. There are the “look at the bright side” people and then there are the “come on over to the dark side with me” people. I would be the latter. Except I don’t really want anyone else to be engulfed in the dark side….it’s sad and lonely here. Except for right now. Right now it is peaceful. Pleasant. Even happy. Except for, perhaps, one thing. I think the mosquitoes that live near my back yard may actually like the scent of citronella! Just. My. Luck. ??? At least I try to find the humor, huh?

Well, I decided to blog again.  Lots has changed since I stopped. I stopped because I gave up. Again. I decided to just make the best of things the way they are. Long story short, I got off of all of my medicine once again, only this time I replaced prescription medication with essential oils….which I can honestly say is the best things I’ve ever done.  I feel much better off of medicine and on something natural. For the most part, the oils do just as much good, or more, than medication only without any side effects. But today was bad….really bad.  Which is what normally happens after I’ve had a period of being unusually happy. I turned 50 9 days ago and had an absolutely wonderful “birthday week”! WONDERFUL! Friends at work made it a big deal, had a surprise dinner a few days later, weekend fun with all my family, shopping, got a tattoo on my foot! Yes, I was sober….just something I’ve always wanted to do! One word of advice….if you want to do something, DO IT!! Just because you want to. Anyway, then came the downward spiral. Spiraling into depression, anxiety and panic again and couldn’t stop it. Shutting down. Emotionally pushing everyone away. Wanting to be alone. Overwhelmingly sad. So very overwhelming.  So, here we go again. And the spiritual questions. Those never stop.  Still searching for something to believe in. Still dreading Sundays. Still trying to make it make sense to me AT ALL. And it still doesn’t. I just don’t get it. I’m just looking for peace. For myself. For everyone. And everything. I would still love, more than anything, to have a job working with animals….animals make me happy. They make me smile, even on the inside. Maybe someday. Oh, one word of advice about the tattoo thing….if you ever really want one, do it. I LOVE mine. It’s a seashell and if you know me at all, you know I love the beach more than anywhere else on earth. However, if you don’t have a pretty high pain tolerance, don’t get a tattoo on your foot. Hurt like hell. Next time, I’ll get one on my butt….lots of flesh back there! I probably wouldn’t have felt a thing! Anyway, tomorrow the search for peace continues……