Archive - June 2015

Well, one thing I will NOT be writing in my posts any more is whether or not I should get back on my medicine.  After the complete meltdown I had Monday night and Tuesday morning, I made my decision.  Back on everything. Defeated again. I did not sleep Monday night….at all. And it wasn’t just the silent cries that are the “normal” for me, the ones I am used to. I was hysterical. Worse than I have been in a very, very long time. Completely uncontrollable. So, while the only real difference was that what I always feel inside actually manifested and showed on the outside, and even though if it only affected me I would probably have considered it just another day, it is beginning to affect the people I love. It already did, but this was so much worse. It isn’t fair to them. Especially my husband. He’s the only one who saw the worst of it. So, here we go again. So very hard to admit to myself that I just can not do it without the medicine. Oh, I can when everything is going perfect, but at the first sign of something being wrong….or the possibility of something being wrong…I can’t function. I came as close to calling in at work Tuesday than I ever have over just something emotional. Or mental, I guess. And the absolute WORST thing you can say to someone with an anxiety disorder is, “you have to just calm down”, or “you have to stop worrying so much”. Oh, THAT’S how I handle this emotional hell that I live in!! Well, I sure wish I had thought of that! WHAT????????? Nobody chooses to suffer from anxiety, because that is exactly what we are doing. SUFFERING from it. Now, that smart remark being said, I don’t know what I WOULD want someone to say to me. Nothing helps. I just want so desperately to be happy and it seems completely out of my reach. Maybe I’m not supposed to be happy. Maybe I don’t deserve it. Oh, I know so many people have it so much worse and I don’t mean to sound or be ungrateful. I am thankful for so many things. So, why am I so unhappy? I don’t even know. Oh, this is completely exhausting. The weird thing is, before the meltdown happened on Monday night, even a few days before that I was beginning to feel what I call “the shutdown” begin. Shutting down emotionally, shutting people out, shutting down physically. I should have seen the attack coming. I guess I did, really, but was completely incapable of stopping it. I don’t know what is worse, the panic attacks that come out of nowhere, that sneak up on me, or the ones that I can feel coming, building up, for days. Hopefully getting back on my medicine will put a real smile back on my face and I can say goodbye to the fake one. Most of the time anyway. So, I need the help. Okay. Whatever it takes at this point.

Well, I’ve literally been on both sides of the bipolar fence today. Days like this are completely exhausting. The manic depressive phase actually started yesterday and fighting back the tears was almost impossible. And constant. Even at the weirdest times and for no reason at all. I went to sleep crying last night, just trying to be quiet enough about it that my husband wouldn’t hear me and I wouldn’t have to try to explain something that even I don’t understand. Then I woke up the exact same way and cried off and on this morning. Sometime when I am alone and feel this way I am somewhere between trying to stifle the tears and just letting them flow so maybe I can get my daily melt down over with while I am alone and don’t have to explain anything to anyone. It actually physically hurts. Crazy thing is that in the mist of all of this, I saw something on facebook that made me laugh…hard. No, it didn’t make me just laugh, I got uncontrollably HYSTERICAL. I kept reading it and it kept getting funnier and funnier! Weird. Hey….maybe I AM normal and the rest of the world is NOT! HA!!!! That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!! I kind of feel like a pinball machine. Someone just pulls back the knob and there my mood goes….pinging against one thing then another and I never know what it’s going to hit. Sadness, laughter, depression, anxiety,complete hysteria. It’s anybody’s guess, really. I titled this post “New Day Dawning” because that’s what I’m hoping for. A new day. A positive day. I got a very unexpected three word text today that meant more to me than anyone, including the person who sent it, will probably ever really know.  So, in regards to that, let me say two things. First of all, to the person who sent the text, thank you again. So much. You really have no idea what you did. Second, if someone is reading this and you ever feel led to just give someone an encouraging word through a call, text, even a facebook post, please do it. You are probably feeling led to do so for a reason. You may be grabbing someone from falling over, or jumping over, a ledge. You may be the one person who can speak life into them. You may be what they are unknowingly waiting for. You may be their turning point. So, I will hang in there and I will make it. I am way too stubborn to give up! Life is good. Not perfect but really, really good.

I read something this morning. It said, “Depression is not caring about anything…..anxiety is caring too much about everything. Having both is hell.” Wow. Never thought about it that way, but it couldn’t be more true. I stopped posting for a while because I feel like I am saying the same things over and over. But, here’s my new issue. In a few months, life as I have known it for many, many years will be over. Everything is about to change and while I usually like change, this will be very different and I am afraid it is going to cause me to “shut down”. I just can’t afford to see a counselor again and I still don’t want to get back on any medicine but I feel completely lost about what I need to do when I know something is coming up that I am going to have a difficult time handling. And now, due to things that have happened, I have absolutely not one single person that I can talk to. Not one. I’m not really even sure that I want to talk to anyone. I am impossible to understand anyway.  When I was seeing a counselor, I was never completely honest with her. I felt like the way I really feel and the things I really think are just too bad to be honest about. Then someone would really know me. I’ve always been terrified of that. What I would really like to do is go away….by myself…for about a week. Just be totally alone so I can think and try to decide what exactly I really need to do to be happy. Unless it’s just too late for that.