Freaking Out

Ok, I am officially in a freak out mode that I can’t shake. How in the world do I get out of this? I am 50 years old and I can’t imagine living one more day feeling like this. Today had been horrible from the time I woke up and right now I am debating what to do. Not what to do next week or what to do tomorrow but what to do right now. In the next hour, the next minute, the next few seconds. Concentrating on breathing and not having a visible breakdown. Telling myself “don’t cry”, “don’t scream”, “don’t go get in the car”. Nobody on this earth to talk to. I’m in crisis mode and I’m there all alone. This is my life. This is my hell. And I desperately want to remove myself from it and those who have to deal with me. I just don’t know how to “look at the good”, “cheer up”, “chill out”, etc. I do not know how to get better. I watched a few episodes of INTERVENTION tonight and I had a thought. They should consider creating the same type of show for those suffering from depression and anxiety. Because, let me tell you, I would RUN to the plane if I thought there was a chance in hell I could ever feel normal. Much like an addiction, mental illness consumes you, changes you, affects every aspect of your life, hurts your family, is physically painful, makes you feel helpless, hopeless, and feels like it will never end. It is sometimes just not as obvious as an addiction. It is getting harder for me to hide, though. Impossible most of the time. I would absolutely go back to counseling if I had the time or the money but I don’t have either. About to start a new job which should be exciting but I can’t even get excited about that. Sleep doesn’t even offer much relief anymore because I don’t sleep well and I know what waking up is going to feel like. Panic. Horror. Terror. Anxiety. More panic. What to do? Any ideas? (Insert crickets chirping here) Me either. Absolutely no idea what to do. All I know it’s that I’m doing it alone.