Darkness

There’s a different level of darkness than ever before. It is all consuming. I feel like I am watching my life happen. I got good news but I can’t enjoy it because good news only means the next punch in the gut is coming. It always does. Always. Yesterday I had one of the worst days I’ve had in several years. I literally thought I was going to have to get in the car and just drive for a while but to where? I think I really knew I probably didn’t need to. I wasn’t even thinking clearly and I couldn’t calm my thoughts down. Sometime when I’m in the darkest of dark places and want to be alone, I know it probably wouldn’t be wise. Today has been okay though. I’ve felt happy even, which is more confusing. Even that worries me. Why such a peaceful day after such a bad one? Calm before the next storm? Will I wake up looking forward to another good day or will I wake up to the extreme panic because I’m afraid of another dark day? How do I control it? I try to CHOOSE to have a good day but it isn’t that simple. The fear is so deeply rooted that it is ever present. Sometimes hidden but always, always there. This is my reality.