Fakin’ it

There are days that I am SO GOOD at being a phony. I mean really, really good. There are days that if you saw me, you would think I was the happiest person in the world. I guess it’s the medicine, I really don’t know. I don’t know why some days I can laugh and cut up and be “happy” all day and hide what is going on inside from EVERYONE and other days the depression, and sometimes the anxiety, are painfully obvious. Not usually obvious at work, though. At least I don’t think so. Since changing jobs, I do try to keep my distance somewhat from most everyone there. Don’t get too close to anyone….you know, the whole wall thing. Keeping that wall up at all costs. I’m only there three days a week so that’s fairly easy to do, keeping the wall up. It’s funny, we’ve started watching a series on Netflix, Sherlock Holmes, which I HIGHLY recommend by the way, and I can’t wait to watch an episode with my family at night because 1)it’s a great series 2)it’s actually very funny and 3)it’s distracting. So, I don’t have to think. Oh, the thinking, which causes worrying, which causes an increase in the anxiety, depression, and the possibility of a panic attack. So, anything that keeps me from having to think is a big plus. TV, Facebook, reading, caring for the dogs, work, whatever. Anything to occupy my rattled brain.
There are several versions of “me”.
*The fake it ’til you make it me…..the one that appears happy.
*The quiet me……the one that is quiet instead of saying something I shouldn’t or flipping completely out.
*The obviously crazy me….when I can’t hide the depression, the anxiety, have a panic attack in front of my family or just go into full blown flip out mode. This one doesn’t really happen a lot anymore.
The overwhelming sadness still happens on almost a daily basis. So overwhelmed that I literally want to run away from everything. Try to figure things out…..try to believe in something again…..try to figure out what exactly it would take to make me happy, or if it’s really even in the cards for me. I’m not sure it is. Hasn’t been so far.