Finding My Normal

I’ve never before written more than one post in a day, even though the first one was just a plea for someone to respond. BUT, since I’ve decided this is more just a way for me to journal than an actual blog, here goes. I’m taking my medicine, but I feel like I am actually getting worse. The OCD is starting to get bad….or what I consider bad. Most people probably already thought it was. Everything makes me sad. Absolutely everything. And it’s getting harder and harder and harder to “get over” something once it starts to bother me. Like everything is amplified. The depression is deepening and the anxiety is worse and more frequent. The chest burning, heart pounding panic attacks are almost unbearable. And I so desperately want to go back to school, but don’t feel like I can. I can’t stop working, so I would have to take all classes online. I know I could do it, but I don’t have enough money to go and I KNOW I would get absolutely no support anyway. Just like I didn’t get any support to do what I wanted to do 33 years ago. If only I could go back. I just feel so very lost. And sad. There’s a sadness that just makes me think, “awe, that was a terrible thing that happened”, then I just go on with my day and place it in the back of my mind. Then there’s the gut-wrenching, overwhelming, paralyzing type of sadness that shuts me down completely. That’s where I’ve been the last few days. Shut. Down. And alone. Of course, I hear, “You ok?”, “Feel bad?”, etc., etc., etc. And I answer that I’m fine and I don’t feel bad. And I lie. And lie. And lie. Of COURSE I’m not okay and of COURSE I feel bad. I feel terrible. Oh, not physically most of the time, but mentally I am in complete turmoil. And nobody gets it. Absolutely nobody. I just typed that there was only one person that would understand, but I deleted it because I realized that not even that person understands the depth of my depression now. I’m not suicidal, though. I’m too afraid to die to be suicidal. Still too unsure of what lies in wait in the afterlife, if there is one. But, I am erring on the side of caution that there may actually be a hell and I would prefer NOT to spend eternity in it. The thought of an afterlife does not bring me peace, it only brings me terror. I guess that should tell me something. I would love to just sleep. Sleep and sleep and sleep. Can’t think when you’re asleep, so can’t worry either. The only PLACE I find the the least bit of peace is the ocean. The sound, the smell….it’s very comforting to me. If I could live anywhere on earth, it would be somewhere on the coast. I wouldn’t even care what coast. I would give up every possession I have for a beach house. Just me, my family and my dogs (and maybe more dogs).

I normally don’t actually ask for feedback, but I am this time. What do you believe in, religiously speaking, and why? And this is not for the sake of argument because right now I am just searching. So I am curious, and feel free to be honest, whatever you do or don’t believe.

So, this is how my mind feels. Complete confusion. And exhaustion. Today was hard. Fighting tears all day, could barely force a smile, don’t want to talk. Well, I do want to talk, but that isn’t going to happen. What would I say anyway? Just what I typed. That I’m having an exceptionally hard time today and want to cry but I have no idea why it’s worse today. Nothing bad happened, just the “feeling of impending doom” was way worse today. What next? What bad thing is about to happen? How bad will tomorrow be? Will I wake up in a panic? There was a ladies night at church tonight. Oh, I didn’t go, just read about it on Facebook. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, seems worse to me than spending an evening with a bunch of women. Women I have nothing in common with. What would I have to contribute to any conversation? “How is your anxiety and depression today? How many times did you cry today? Oh, yes my steak is delicious. Did you have to take an extra long bath last night so you could get yourself together so your family didn’t know you’d been crying in there? Did you have to talk yourself out of getting in your car and driving until you ran out of gas and hoping no one would even come look for you? Did you go to sleep dreading waking up? Oh, that’s such a cute dress.” No, thanks. I can fake it only so much. Ok, so back to the confusion. I’ve been thinking a lot lately…..probably not a good thing…..and I realized that I am 51 years old and just in the last year or year and a half am I realizing what I think about some things. What do I really think? It’s little things that are starting to make me think. I have a tattoo on my foot. I love it. Well, I used to “think” that tattoos, no matter where they were or what they were of, looked a bit trashy on women. DID I think that?? No, I didn’t. I was TOLD to think that. I agreed with people who thought that. Or, I TOLD them I agreed. And religion….still trying to figure that one out. I don’t know what I think. I know that I attend church because I’ve been told that is what good Christians do and that if I’m not a good little Christian I will burn in hell for all of eternity. Not something I want to experience. But all religions believe wholeheartedly that they are right. Christians have documents (Bible), and other religions have documents that they believe are correct. Everyone thinks they are the only ones that are right. So, basically I just have no earthly idea. All I know is that I want to believe in something again. I want something to give me peace. Anything. If I am going to attend church, I would like to at least feel SOMETHING. Anything at all. I am moved by nothing. I go to church and basically play with my phone or make a grocery list for the HOUR AND A HALF AT LEAST that I am there. THAT is exhausting. I feel absolutely nothing while I’m there. No conviction, no emotion, nothing. Just want to go home. That is only a few of the things that are swirling around in my brain all day every day. So say a prayer for me, or think of me while you meditate, or do the rosary thing for me (whatever it is), ask the Saints to bless me, mention me in your time of meditation as you try to reach your Zen state. Whatever. I need all the help I can get.

I have never been in as much spiritual turmoil. It took me 50 years to decide what I believed about certain things. I mean what I believe, not what I’ve been told to believe. Tattoos are wrong, homosexuals can “help” the way that they feel, taking a drink of anything alcoholic and you might as well go ahead and reserve a room in the hottest part of hell, just to name a few. These are just some of the things that I had “learned” in my Christian walk. This post, if anyone bothers to read it, is guaranteed to be offensive. So, please feel free not to continue reading. I got a tattoo for my 50th birthday (gasp) because I WANTED TO. Not to be rebellious, just because. I wanted one. So what? It’s a seashell on my foot. Simply because I love, and I mean LOVE, the ocean. It’s one of the only places on the planet that I find peaceful. I know I’ll never live there, but my tattoo reminds me of the peace I find there. And it is probably not the only tattoo I will ever have. It doesn’t change who I am in the least.

Now for the more touchy subjects. I have gay friends and I have gay and transgender family members. I’ve ALWAYS had gay friends. Now, here is my issue with that. I have never had a gay friend say that one day they just decided to be attracted to a member of the same sex. They ALL said they had always felt that way. ALWAYS felt that way. Same with transgenders. They ALWAYS felt that way. So, what I do not believe is that God creates someone a certain way and then punishes them for being that way. The other thing I believe is that it isn’t anyone’s business but theirs. I know you think it’s your place to judge, shame or fix them, but it isn’t. If you believe in a just God, then let him judge them. And you. You just love them like you do your fellow Christians.

Which brings me to my favorite holy controversial subject. Alcohol. I don’t, for one minute, claim to be a biblical scholar, but there are a few things that I know. The bible does NOT speak against drinking wine. Jesus turned water into wine, Jesus drank wine. Yep, wine. Not grape juice. What the bible does say is not to get drunk. But here is what I don’t hear Christians speak against. Gluttony. Do you know what gluttony is, because the bible is pretty clear on it, AND the fact that it is…..wait for it….a SIN. It is defined as habitual greed or excess in eating. (EXCESS IN EATING. Did you get that??)
synonyms: greed, greediness, overeating, gourmandism, gourmandizing, voracity, insatiability; informal piggishness
Wow. This is the problem I have with religion (not true Christianity, because there is a difference). Now Christians like to eat. Most of them too much. Like WAY too much. And I guarantee you the first person who would have me hell-bound for having a glass of wine in my hand is the 400 pound preacher that has eaten himself almost literally TO DEATH. So, Christians can gorge themselves until they can barely bend over, barely walk across the room without getting out of breath, have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and the many other medical problems that THEY HAVE CAUSED THEMSELVES by overeating and I’m going to burn over a glass of wine?? Just food for thought – no pun intended. Oh, wait, yes it was. Pun was absolutely intended. So, before, dear Christians, you pass judgement on my glass of wine, or my beer, or my margarita, etc., etc., etc., please put your fork down, pass up that third helping at the church cookout, and go take a good long look at yourself in the mirror. Naked. Then come tell me how wrong I am and how right you are.

So, those are just a few of the hundreds of billions of things that float around in my mind all day and most of the night. And I am still in spiritual turmoil. And I am still trying to figure out exactly what I believe. And I still have absolutely no clue. Part of my journey, I suppose. Maybe the whole point is to never think you have it all figured out so that you do keep searching. But figure out what YOU believe. Read for yourself, study for yourself, investigate for yourself.

Oh, and no matter what you believe, whether you’re a Christian, a Buddhist, an Athiest, or whatever, can we all just play nice? Respect everyone….EVERYONE.

Once upon a time there was a very sad lonely little girl. She desperately wanted to grow up and be a happy woman. She’s 50. Didn’t happen. The end.

Ok, I am officially in a freak out mode that I can’t shake. How in the world do I get out of this? I am 50 years old and I can’t imagine living one more day feeling like this. Today had been horrible from the time I woke up and right now I am debating what to do. Not what to do next week or what to do tomorrow but what to do right now. In the next hour, the next minute, the next few seconds. Concentrating on breathing and not having a visible breakdown. Telling myself “don’t cry”, “don’t scream”, “don’t go get in the car”. Nobody on this earth to talk to. I’m in crisis mode and I’m there all alone. This is my life. This is my hell. And I desperately want to remove myself from it and those who have to deal with me. I just don’t know how to “look at the good”, “cheer up”, “chill out”, etc. I do not know how to get better. I watched a few episodes of INTERVENTION tonight and I had a thought. They should consider creating the same type of show for those suffering from depression and anxiety. Because, let me tell you, I would RUN to the plane if I thought there was a chance in hell I could ever feel normal. Much like an addiction, mental illness consumes you, changes you, affects every aspect of your life, hurts your family, is physically painful, makes you feel helpless, hopeless, and feels like it will never end. It is sometimes just not as obvious as an addiction. It is getting harder for me to hide, though. Impossible most of the time. I would absolutely go back to counseling if I had the time or the money but I don’t have either. About to start a new job which should be exciting but I can’t even get excited about that. Sleep doesn’t even offer much relief anymore because I don’t sleep well and I know what waking up is going to feel like. Panic. Horror. Terror. Anxiety. More panic. What to do? Any ideas? (Insert crickets chirping here) Me either. Absolutely no idea what to do. All I know it’s that I’m doing it alone.

There’s a different level of darkness than ever before. It is all consuming. I feel like I am watching my life happen. I got good news but I can’t enjoy it because good news only means the next punch in the gut is coming. It always does. Always. Yesterday I had one of the worst days I’ve had in several years. I literally thought I was going to have to get in the car and just drive for a while but to where? I think I really knew I probably didn’t need to. I wasn’t even thinking clearly and I couldn’t calm my thoughts down. Sometime when I’m in the darkest of dark places and want to be alone, I know it probably wouldn’t be wise. Today has been okay though. I’ve felt happy even, which is more confusing. Even that worries me. Why such a peaceful day after such a bad one? Calm before the next storm? Will I wake up looking forward to another good day or will I wake up to the extreme panic because I’m afraid of another dark day? How do I control it? I try to CHOOSE to have a good day but it isn’t that simple. The fear is so deeply rooted that it is ever present. Sometimes hidden but always, always there. This is my reality.

Well, I discovered something this weekend. I really have a lot of people fooled. A whole lot of people. Some actually think I have periods of feeling this way. No. That is absolutely incorrect. I have periods of feeling okay. The other is constant. I wake up anxious, panicked and depressed and I go to bed anxious, panicked and depressed and that is how I feel throughout the day, with a few moments of feeling alright. The physical exhaustion is getting worse by the day. I can barely keep the house picked up and laundry done. Everything I manage to do, I have to force myself to do. Everything. And some things are about to change for me and that is causing more anxiety than normal. Sometimes I wonder about all of the people that I THINK have it all together. Do they really? Or are they just like me….faking it on the outside and desperately just trying to hold it all together on the inside? Still hopeful that things will eventually get better. Or maybe I just need to take back my old way of thinking…from when I was a kid….this is just how it is. Deal with it.

Some days I have to hold back the tears. Some days they wouldn’t come if I wanted them to. Some days there are periods of both feelings. Today was the latter. But when the tears won’t come, there’s another feeling that comes along with that. I honestly feel like I’m going to explode. Or scream. Or scream until I explode. I remember when my youngest son was little, he would get so frustrated he would throw a horrible fit. To the point I would put him in his room, shut the door and just let him get it out. There was no reasoning with him. Spanking didn’t work. Nothing. I think I totally understand how he felt. It’s just that you can kind of get away with it when you’re 3. Not so much when you’re 50. I want to be alone and kick and scream and punch something until I feel better. The sadness is overwhelming today. It’s that “the world is a horrible place”, “why are people so mean to each other”, “why is there so much pain, sickness, disease, blah, blah, blah in the world”, “the unwanted, the unloved, the forgotten, the hurting”…..these thoughts and the images that accompany them have completely ravaged my mind today and I DO NOT KNOW how to make it all stop. These are the things that make me feel crazy. And I am helpless to change anything. I can’t even help myself. How can the author of this “look how screwed up I am” blog help anyone else? I can’t. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I hurt. I’m sad. I feel forgotten in a way. And I feel so bad for those who do love me. What a freaking mess they are in. This is all I remember ever feeling….from the time I can remember anything I remember being so very sad. So I guess this is just how I was created to feel? Well THAT’S depressing. I just don’t get it. Surely if I was created this way there is a purpose for it. Or maybe not. Who knows?