Finding My Normal

I’m trying to decide what would be better. Continuing to try to figure out how to be happy, or just accepting the fact that I will never be. I think it just is not in the cards for me. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like.  I think if I just never expect happiness then I won’t be disappointed when it never comes. Just try to make the best of every day, which is getting harder all of the time. I have several different levels of depression. One, I can fool everybody….and I do mean EVERYBODY….into thinking that I am just as happy as anyone. Another level and I can fool “outsiders”, meaning everyone except the people I live with. The next level, it is obvious to everyone that I am miserable. And finally comes the level that I am at now. The “shut-down”. I don’t want to do anything or be around anyone. I want to sleep. I don’t want to think. Smiling is a real effort. Even minor conversation is almost impossible. I don’t find any joy or happiness in anything. Miserable at home, miserable at work, miserable at church, miserable around people, miserable alone. No desire to even attempt to fake it any more. I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep. Forever.

Depression is so very physically exhausting. Just when I think I may be on my way to feeling normal, there’s another bad day. Actually another terrible day. Today was bad at work, then the tears started as soon as I pulled out of the parking lot. And they continued, completely uncontrollably, for a good part of the evenimg. I sat outside a lot, just to keep everyone away and not have to answer any questions. I just think life is so very sad. There’s more bad than good in this world. More sadness than happiness. More pain than comfort. More sickness than health. Life is sad enough, but it’s so much worse when you’re going through it alone, which I feel like I am. Nobody can possibly understand the things that I think about. I realized something today. I don’t think I even know HOW to be happy. Maybe I’ll figure it out some day. But for now, time to go to the only happy place I know. Sleep.

Well, one thing I will NOT be writing in my posts any more is whether or not I should get back on my medicine.  After the complete meltdown I had Monday night and Tuesday morning, I made my decision.  Back on everything. Defeated again. I did not sleep Monday night….at all. And it wasn’t just the silent cries that are the “normal” for me, the ones I am used to. I was hysterical. Worse than I have been in a very, very long time. Completely uncontrollable. So, while the only real difference was that what I always feel inside actually manifested and showed on the outside, and even though if it only affected me I would probably have considered it just another day, it is beginning to affect the people I love. It already did, but this was so much worse. It isn’t fair to them. Especially my husband. He’s the only one who saw the worst of it. So, here we go again. So very hard to admit to myself that I just can not do it without the medicine. Oh, I can when everything is going perfect, but at the first sign of something being wrong….or the possibility of something being wrong…I can’t function. I came as close to calling in at work Tuesday than I ever have over just something emotional. Or mental, I guess. And the absolute WORST thing you can say to someone with an anxiety disorder is, “you have to just calm down”, or “you have to stop worrying so much”. Oh, THAT’S how I handle this emotional hell that I live in!! Well, I sure wish I had thought of that! WHAT????????? Nobody chooses to suffer from anxiety, because that is exactly what we are doing. SUFFERING from it. Now, that smart remark being said, I don’t know what I WOULD want someone to say to me. Nothing helps. I just want so desperately to be happy and it seems completely out of my reach. Maybe I’m not supposed to be happy. Maybe I don’t deserve it. Oh, I know so many people have it so much worse and I don’t mean to sound or be ungrateful. I am thankful for so many things. So, why am I so unhappy? I don’t even know. Oh, this is completely exhausting. The weird thing is, before the meltdown happened on Monday night, even a few days before that I was beginning to feel what I call “the shutdown” begin. Shutting down emotionally, shutting people out, shutting down physically. I should have seen the attack coming. I guess I did, really, but was completely incapable of stopping it. I don’t know what is worse, the panic attacks that come out of nowhere, that sneak up on me, or the ones that I can feel coming, building up, for days. Hopefully getting back on my medicine will put a real smile back on my face and I can say goodbye to the fake one. Most of the time anyway. So, I need the help. Okay. Whatever it takes at this point.

Well, I’ve literally been on both sides of the bipolar fence today. Days like this are completely exhausting. The manic depressive phase actually started yesterday and fighting back the tears was almost impossible. And constant. Even at the weirdest times and for no reason at all. I went to sleep crying last night, just trying to be quiet enough about it that my husband wouldn’t hear me and I wouldn’t have to try to explain something that even I don’t understand. Then I woke up the exact same way and cried off and on this morning. Sometime when I am alone and feel this way I am somewhere between trying to stifle the tears and just letting them flow so maybe I can get my daily melt down over with while I am alone and don’t have to explain anything to anyone. It actually physically hurts. Crazy thing is that in the mist of all of this, I saw something on facebook that made me laugh…hard. No, it didn’t make me just laugh, I got uncontrollably HYSTERICAL. I kept reading it and it kept getting funnier and funnier! Weird. Hey….maybe I AM normal and the rest of the world is NOT! HA!!!! That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!! I kind of feel like a pinball machine. Someone just pulls back the knob and there my mood goes….pinging against one thing then another and I never know what it’s going to hit. Sadness, laughter, depression, anxiety,complete hysteria. It’s anybody’s guess, really. I titled this post “New Day Dawning” because that’s what I’m hoping for. A new day. A positive day. I got a very unexpected three word text today that meant more to me than anyone, including the person who sent it, will probably ever really know.  So, in regards to that, let me say two things. First of all, to the person who sent the text, thank you again. So much. You really have no idea what you did. Second, if someone is reading this and you ever feel led to just give someone an encouraging word through a call, text, even a facebook post, please do it. You are probably feeling led to do so for a reason. You may be grabbing someone from falling over, or jumping over, a ledge. You may be the one person who can speak life into them. You may be what they are unknowingly waiting for. You may be their turning point. So, I will hang in there and I will make it. I am way too stubborn to give up! Life is good. Not perfect but really, really good.

I read something this morning. It said, “Depression is not caring about anything…..anxiety is caring too much about everything. Having both is hell.” Wow. Never thought about it that way, but it couldn’t be more true. I stopped posting for a while because I feel like I am saying the same things over and over. But, here’s my new issue. In a few months, life as I have known it for many, many years will be over. Everything is about to change and while I usually like change, this will be very different and I am afraid it is going to cause me to “shut down”. I just can’t afford to see a counselor again and I still don’t want to get back on any medicine but I feel completely lost about what I need to do when I know something is coming up that I am going to have a difficult time handling. And now, due to things that have happened, I have absolutely not one single person that I can talk to. Not one. I’m not really even sure that I want to talk to anyone. I am impossible to understand anyway.  When I was seeing a counselor, I was never completely honest with her. I felt like the way I really feel and the things I really think are just too bad to be honest about. Then someone would really know me. I’ve always been terrified of that. What I would really like to do is go away….by myself…for about a week. Just be totally alone so I can think and try to decide what exactly I really need to do to be happy. Unless it’s just too late for that.

Just do not know how much longer I can do this. Never been more tired. Faking it is getting harder. The low times are lower than ever. I just want the misery and disappointment to stop. I don’t know what to do anymore.

My favorite room in my house again lately, is my bathroom. Weird, huh? That’s where I can go be by myself. And cry. And cry and cry and cry when I’m in the bathtub. And nobody knows it. I guess. It would be impossible to explain anyway. What would I say if anyone asked me what was wrong? Oh, I don’t know….just sat in the bathtub and bawled my eyes out over every child that is being mistreated, every animal that has been abandoned or is being mistreated. The homeless. The hopeless. The hungry. The others doing exactly what I’m doing right now. Those of us who have bad childhood memories. The elderly that have been forgotten. The ones that have loved ones who are missing. Those who have buried children. The list is never-ending and it is on my mind all of the time. The images, the thoughts, they never ever go away. Oh, there are days that I am a GREAT fake. I learned that at a very early age. I see little things about myself change all of the time. For example, I used to be such a “baby fanatic”. I wanted to hold all of them, love on them and kiss them. It made me really happy. New life, new hope. I see that differently now. I see a new baby and I think two things. One, about the mistakes I feel like I’ve made with my own kids….things I would do differently, but it’s too late. Two, I think people should think hard….really, really hard….before bringing a child into this world now. The world is a terrible place. A TERRIBLE place. It’s so easy to think how great, how fun, how sweet it would be to have a baby. And it is. I can not imagine my life without my kids. There have been times they have saved my life. Literally. But the world is getting worse every day and I wonder now, what are people bringing them in to? What will they have to go through? They didn’t ask to be brought into this world. I really think that, any more, if people really desire to be parents they should seriously consider adoption. There are lots of children who have already been brought into this world who need homes, need someone to love them, need someone to give them a chance. Waiting. Being passed over. Knowing that nobody wants them. What a miserable existence. We all need to look at the big picture. It isn’t just about us. There’s way more to it. I’m still not sure where I am spiritually, but I know my heart has softened about a lot of things and I’m getting there. Slowly, but I am at least attempting to see people through the eyes of Christ instead of my own eyes. They look a lot better that way.

The sadness has become overwhelming….almost unbearable again. I let my family see tears for the first time again the other day. I am just so very very sad and back to wanting to do nothing but sleep. Kids are all happy and healthy, husband is supportive, I’m loving being a “dog mom”, that has actually helped tremendously with the loneliness, but I’m still miserable. I just don’t get it. I don’t have the energy to keep this up.  Tomorrow is mother’s day and I’m not looking forward to any part of it.  Instead of the celebration of being a mom, all I will think about is what a failure I feel like I have been.  I will think of all the things I would have done differently, and I will be wondering what my sons think of me.  And I will imagine the worst. I mean, I will imagine that they think the worst. Then the guilt comes. They say that sociopaths feel no guilt. They feel justified in whatever they do. Surely there is something between what they feel and what I feel. Maybe that’s where my normal is. Sometimes I don’t think I deserve to feel normal….to feel happy. I feel like I’m too bad of a person to deserve happiness. Too much anger. Too much hatred. Too much unforgiveness. Too many things I can’t get over. I really am my own worst enemy. Time to stop thinking about it all……and just go to sleep. And dread tomorrow.

You know the movie “Sleepless in Seattle”?  Well, I’m going to make a movie and call it “Hopeless in Bowie”!  Guess that’s not really funny, but it made me mentally chuckle just a little.  Laugh instead of crying, that’s what I’m trying to do.  I even amaze myself sometimes at just how well I can “fake it” when I have to.  The last few days have been rough. Really, really rough. Wednesday was absolutely horrible.  I spent the whole day fighting back tears. Then yesterday started out great, but progressively became very difficult. And woke up today with ALL of the panic symptoms. Oh, and I’ve added one. When I get upset or anxious, my right eye twitches. So, if you’re reading this and you know who I am and you ever see me somewhere and I am clutching my chest, trying to catch my breath, sweating, running to a bathroom because my stomach is upset, shaking AND my right eye is twitching, just back away. Slowly. Maybe throw a Snicker or some other form of chocolate at me as you go. I JUST want to feel like I’m not about to lose it ALL OF THE TIME. Like I said, yesterday started out good. Then in the afternoon, something happened that just stirred up some old memories. Really, really, really OLD really TERRIBLE memories. And the panic began. It started as anger, really. Not just anger but rage. Uncontrollable rage and hatred. Yes, hatred. Which is wrong. So, then I go from the rage and feelings of hate to the guilt for feeling that way. Guilt because we are not supposed to hate. Not supposed to “sin in our anger”, and that is exactly what I do. Sin in my anger. Almost every….single….day. I do need to go back to a counselor. I can’t, but I need to. Normal….Normal….wherefore art thou, Normal? I really do feel completely hopeless. More right this second than I have in a very long time. It almost makes it worse when I have a good day because I get my hopes up that I am going to feel better. Then another bad day comes and along with it comes the let down that I was wrong. It hurts. A lot. Oh, and I have a birthday coming up in a few days, which is depressing since I still don’t know what in the heck I am even doing here. About to be 49 and have no clue why I am even on this earth. Unless you suffer from panic and anxiety, you have no idea what it feels like to be sitting at work, shopping at Walmart, or even having dinner with your family, all while a tumultuous storm is stirring inside you. INSIDE, you are screaming and wanting to run. Just run away and hide. Run and let your inside scream become a real scream while you try to escape the mental torture you are constantly in. Part of my job involves reading medical charts. There are days I am absolutely terrified by what I read. Not just by the content but by the realization of how much I have in common with the people who present with mental and emotional issues. We have a terrifying amount in common. Some of them are referred to counselling facilities, some are transferred to inpatient facilities, most of them are or have been substance abusers. Many are suicidal. When did they get to that point? Did they start out feeling just like I feel right now? Is that where I am headed? Are they actually better off than me because at least they are seeking treatment? I’m STILL not taking any of my “crazy” medicine. I’m STILL debating on whether or not I should be. There has got to be a way for me to just function as a normal human being without having to be drugged to do it. Surely.

Last Sunday was Easter Sunday and it actually started off pretty well. I felt good…calm even…at church, which is rare. I enjoyed the service. I even felt the presence of God for a very brief moment. First time for that in years. Then lunch at my mom’s with my whole family, which started out well. Then it began. The fear, the anxiety, the panic, the knot in my stomach, the chest pain, the loneliness. I can be just as lonely in a room full of people as when I am actually alone. Sometimes more so. And no one has a clue. The emotional pain is horrific. Just one comment, one look from someone, and a good day turns into a day of mental chaos for me. And it starts over nothing.  My family does not fight and no one said anything in particular to make me feel the way I was feeling but once it starts it is impossible to stop it.  So, there went my brief period of “normal”.  Oh, well. I did enjoy it while it lasted.  I wish I had some kind of warning sign so I would possibly be able to intercept the feelings and perhaps even stop the emotional roller coaster before it starts, but it comes on too fast.  I am still in search of a purpose, trying to figure out what I can do in this world that would make a difference. How can I make some kind of difference? What is my passion? What “cause” do I believe in? Well, there are lots but I feel helpless to be of any benefit to any of them. If I could pick something, I would do something to benefit animals. That, right now, is the thing that breaks my heart the most. So many unloved, unwanted animals that need a home, that just want someone to love them. I feel like I share something with them in a way.  They’re lonely…..so am I. The way they LOOK in all of the sad pictures and videos we all see on TV and online….the sad eyes and lowered head, the look of defeat….that may not be how I am looking on the outside, but it is always how I am feeling on the inside. Always.