Archive - June 14, 2017

So, this is how my mind feels. Complete confusion. And exhaustion. Today was hard. Fighting tears all day, could barely force a smile, don’t want to talk. Well, I do want to talk, but that isn’t going to happen. What would I say anyway? Just what I typed. That I’m having an exceptionally hard time today and want to cry but I have no idea why it’s worse today. Nothing bad happened, just the “feeling of impending doom” was way worse today. What next? What bad thing is about to happen? How bad will tomorrow be? Will I wake up in a panic? There was a ladies night at church tonight. Oh, I didn’t go, just read about it on Facebook. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, seems worse to me than spending an evening with a bunch of women. Women I have nothing in common with. What would I have to contribute to any conversation? “How is your anxiety and depression today? How many times did you cry today? Oh, yes my steak is delicious. Did you have to take an extra long bath last night so you could get yourself together so your family didn’t know you’d been crying in there? Did you have to talk yourself out of getting in your car and driving until you ran out of gas and hoping no one would even come look for you? Did you go to sleep dreading waking up? Oh, that’s such a cute dress.” No, thanks. I can fake it only so much. Ok, so back to the confusion. I’ve been thinking a lot lately…..probably not a good thing…..and I realized that I am 51 years old and just in the last year or year and a half am I realizing what I think about some things. What do I really think? It’s little things that are starting to make me think. I have a tattoo on my foot. I love it. Well, I used to “think” that tattoos, no matter where they were or what they were of, looked a bit trashy on women. DID I think that?? No, I didn’t. I was TOLD to think that. I agreed with people who thought that. Or, I TOLD them I agreed. And religion….still trying to figure that one out. I don’t know what I think. I know that I attend church because I’ve been told that is what good Christians do and that if I’m not a good little Christian I will burn in hell for all of eternity. Not something I want to experience. But all religions believe wholeheartedly that they are right. Christians have documents (Bible), and other religions have documents that they believe are correct. Everyone thinks they are the only ones that are right. So, basically I just have no earthly idea. All I know is that I want to believe in something again. I want something to give me peace. Anything. If I am going to attend church, I would like to at least feel SOMETHING. Anything at all. I am moved by nothing. I go to church and basically play with my phone or make a grocery list for the HOUR AND A HALF AT LEAST that I am there. THAT is exhausting. I feel absolutely nothing while I’m there. No conviction, no emotion, nothing. Just want to go home. That is only a few of the things that are swirling around in my brain all day every day. So say a prayer for me, or think of me while you meditate, or do the rosary thing for me (whatever it is), ask the Saints to bless me, mention me in your time of meditation as you try to reach your Zen state. Whatever. I need all the help I can get.