Archive - 2017

I’ve never before written more than one post in a day, even though the first one was just a plea for someone to respond. BUT, since I’ve decided this is more just a way for me to journal than an actual blog, here goes. I’m taking my medicine, but I feel like I am actually getting worse. The OCD is starting to get bad….or what I consider bad. Most people probably already thought it was. Everything makes me sad. Absolutely everything. And it’s getting harder and harder and harder to “get over” something once it starts to bother me. Like everything is amplified. The depression is deepening and the anxiety is worse and more frequent. The chest burning, heart pounding panic attacks are almost unbearable. And I so desperately want to go back to school, but don’t feel like I can. I can’t stop working, so I would have to take all classes online. I know I could do it, but I don’t have enough money to go and I KNOW I would get absolutely no support anyway. Just like I didn’t get any support to do what I wanted to do 33 years ago. If only I could go back. I just feel so very lost. And sad. There’s a sadness that just makes me think, “awe, that was a terrible thing that happened”, then I just go on with my day and place it in the back of my mind. Then there’s the gut-wrenching, overwhelming, paralyzing type of sadness that shuts me down completely. That’s where I’ve been the last few days. Shut. Down. And alone. Of course, I hear, “You ok?”, “Feel bad?”, etc., etc., etc. And I answer that I’m fine and I don’t feel bad. And I lie. And lie. And lie. Of COURSE I’m not okay and of COURSE I feel bad. I feel terrible. Oh, not physically most of the time, but mentally I am in complete turmoil. And nobody gets it. Absolutely nobody. I just typed that there was only one person that would understand, but I deleted it because I realized that not even that person understands the depth of my depression now. I’m not suicidal, though. I’m too afraid to die to be suicidal. Still too unsure of what lies in wait in the afterlife, if there is one. But, I am erring on the side of caution that there may actually be a hell and I would prefer NOT to spend eternity in it. The thought of an afterlife does not bring me peace, it only brings me terror. I guess that should tell me something. I would love to just sleep. Sleep and sleep and sleep. Can’t think when you’re asleep, so can’t worry either. The only PLACE I find the the least bit of peace is the ocean. The sound, the smell….it’s very comforting to me. If I could live anywhere on earth, it would be somewhere on the coast. I wouldn’t even care what coast. I would give up every possession I have for a beach house. Just me, my family and my dogs (and maybe more dogs).

I normally don’t actually ask for feedback, but I am this time. What do you believe in, religiously speaking, and why? And this is not for the sake of argument because right now I am just searching. So I am curious, and feel free to be honest, whatever you do or don’t believe.

So, this is how my mind feels. Complete confusion. And exhaustion. Today was hard. Fighting tears all day, could barely force a smile, don’t want to talk. Well, I do want to talk, but that isn’t going to happen. What would I say anyway? Just what I typed. That I’m having an exceptionally hard time today and want to cry but I have no idea why it’s worse today. Nothing bad happened, just the “feeling of impending doom” was way worse today. What next? What bad thing is about to happen? How bad will tomorrow be? Will I wake up in a panic? There was a ladies night at church tonight. Oh, I didn’t go, just read about it on Facebook. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, seems worse to me than spending an evening with a bunch of women. Women I have nothing in common with. What would I have to contribute to any conversation? “How is your anxiety and depression today? How many times did you cry today? Oh, yes my steak is delicious. Did you have to take an extra long bath last night so you could get yourself together so your family didn’t know you’d been crying in there? Did you have to talk yourself out of getting in your car and driving until you ran out of gas and hoping no one would even come look for you? Did you go to sleep dreading waking up? Oh, that’s such a cute dress.” No, thanks. I can fake it only so much. Ok, so back to the confusion. I’ve been thinking a lot lately…..probably not a good thing…..and I realized that I am 51 years old and just in the last year or year and a half am I realizing what I think about some things. What do I really think? It’s little things that are starting to make me think. I have a tattoo on my foot. I love it. Well, I used to “think” that tattoos, no matter where they were or what they were of, looked a bit trashy on women. DID I think that?? No, I didn’t. I was TOLD to think that. I agreed with people who thought that. Or, I TOLD them I agreed. And religion….still trying to figure that one out. I don’t know what I think. I know that I attend church because I’ve been told that is what good Christians do and that if I’m not a good little Christian I will burn in hell for all of eternity. Not something I want to experience. But all religions believe wholeheartedly that they are right. Christians have documents (Bible), and other religions have documents that they believe are correct. Everyone thinks they are the only ones that are right. So, basically I just have no earthly idea. All I know is that I want to believe in something again. I want something to give me peace. Anything. If I am going to attend church, I would like to at least feel SOMETHING. Anything at all. I am moved by nothing. I go to church and basically play with my phone or make a grocery list for the HOUR AND A HALF AT LEAST that I am there. THAT is exhausting. I feel absolutely nothing while I’m there. No conviction, no emotion, nothing. Just want to go home. That is only a few of the things that are swirling around in my brain all day every day. So say a prayer for me, or think of me while you meditate, or do the rosary thing for me (whatever it is), ask the Saints to bless me, mention me in your time of meditation as you try to reach your Zen state. Whatever. I need all the help I can get.

I have never been in as much spiritual turmoil. It took me 50 years to decide what I believed about certain things. I mean what I believe, not what I’ve been told to believe. Tattoos are wrong, homosexuals can “help” the way that they feel, taking a drink of anything alcoholic and you might as well go ahead and reserve a room in the hottest part of hell, just to name a few. These are just some of the things that I had “learned” in my Christian walk. This post, if anyone bothers to read it, is guaranteed to be offensive. So, please feel free not to continue reading. I got a tattoo for my 50th birthday (gasp) because I WANTED TO. Not to be rebellious, just because. I wanted one. So what? It’s a seashell on my foot. Simply because I love, and I mean LOVE, the ocean. It’s one of the only places on the planet that I find peaceful. I know I’ll never live there, but my tattoo reminds me of the peace I find there. And it is probably not the only tattoo I will ever have. It doesn’t change who I am in the least.

Now for the more touchy subjects. I have gay friends and I have gay and transgender family members. I’ve ALWAYS had gay friends. Now, here is my issue with that. I have never had a gay friend say that one day they just decided to be attracted to a member of the same sex. They ALL said they had always felt that way. ALWAYS felt that way. Same with transgenders. They ALWAYS felt that way. So, what I do not believe is that God creates someone a certain way and then punishes them for being that way. The other thing I believe is that it isn’t anyone’s business but theirs. I know you think it’s your place to judge, shame or fix them, but it isn’t. If you believe in a just God, then let him judge them. And you. You just love them like you do your fellow Christians.

Which brings me to my favorite holy controversial subject. Alcohol. I don’t, for one minute, claim to be a biblical scholar, but there are a few things that I know. The bible does NOT speak against drinking wine. Jesus turned water into wine, Jesus drank wine. Yep, wine. Not grape juice. What the bible does say is not to get drunk. But here is what I don’t hear Christians speak against. Gluttony. Do you know what gluttony is, because the bible is pretty clear on it, AND the fact that it is…..wait for it….a SIN. It is defined as habitual greed or excess in eating. (EXCESS IN EATING. Did you get that??)
synonyms: greed, greediness, overeating, gourmandism, gourmandizing, voracity, insatiability; informal piggishness
Wow. This is the problem I have with religion (not true Christianity, because there is a difference). Now Christians like to eat. Most of them too much. Like WAY too much. And I guarantee you the first person who would have me hell-bound for having a glass of wine in my hand is the 400 pound preacher that has eaten himself almost literally TO DEATH. So, Christians can gorge themselves until they can barely bend over, barely walk across the room without getting out of breath, have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and the many other medical problems that THEY HAVE CAUSED THEMSELVES by overeating and I’m going to burn over a glass of wine?? Just food for thought – no pun intended. Oh, wait, yes it was. Pun was absolutely intended. So, before, dear Christians, you pass judgement on my glass of wine, or my beer, or my margarita, etc., etc., etc., please put your fork down, pass up that third helping at the church cookout, and go take a good long look at yourself in the mirror. Naked. Then come tell me how wrong I am and how right you are.

So, those are just a few of the hundreds of billions of things that float around in my mind all day and most of the night. And I am still in spiritual turmoil. And I am still trying to figure out exactly what I believe. And I still have absolutely no clue. Part of my journey, I suppose. Maybe the whole point is to never think you have it all figured out so that you do keep searching. But figure out what YOU believe. Read for yourself, study for yourself, investigate for yourself.

Oh, and no matter what you believe, whether you’re a Christian, a Buddhist, an Athiest, or whatever, can we all just play nice? Respect everyone….EVERYONE.