Finding My Normal

I wish I could turn my mind off. I don’t know if I’m really physically tired all of the time or if I’m so mentally exhausted that it makes me FEEL physically tired. My thoughts race. I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate. I can’t stop worrying, imagining the worst, the what-if’s, the feeling of impending doom. I am trying not to become what I despise the most. I try so hard not act needy that I actually push people away. I come across uninterested or like I’m not paying attention. But I am listening. Taking it all in, trying to process everything, overthinking. What did you really mean by that? Why did you say that? Do you really care or just acting like you do so I will be okay? Faking it is so completely exhausting. I want to be able to smile on the inside, not just on the outside. And I’m well aware that things could be worse. A lot worse. I just get so very sick of that reasoning. Every Christian I know says that when things are bad. I KNOW they could be worse. ARE worse for so many people. The world is a terrible place and getting worse every day. So much hate. So much cruelty. People are mean. Why?? Because everyone doesn’t think, feel or believe the way they do? I have changed the way I think about so many things. I am a Christian, yes, but I have friends who are not. I am straight but have friends who I love who are not. I am a Republican but have friends who are Democrats. So? All of this just makes me more and more sad. The way the world is, I mean. So very sad. Maybe in my desperation to find God again, I see Him where I had never thought to look before. But that’s another post altogether.

Worst day in a long time. Barely made it through church….actually had to step out once, go sit in the bathroom and cry. Then after the worship team did a song called, “I Am Not Alone”, someone told me that they had felt the song was for me, and I couldn’t even say a word to her. Could not say one single word. I always feel alone. Every second of every day. So, WAS that for me? I have no idea. Then we all went to lunch, and I had to walk out before everyone else even finished eating and was crying before I got out the door. Then, while taking a bath, I literally had to stifle a scream. All I wanted to do was scream. As loud as I could. This is why I need alone time. There was a time that I would actually get in the car, drive around and scream. Will probably just get back on all medicine. I have said myself that it doesn’t solve anything, just masks it. Well, lets get the mask on then. What other choice is there really? Masking it is better than this. Much easier to be a fake when you’re doped up anyway.

You know what drives me absolutely crazy? Not that that’s a trip I need help taking….is for someone to think they have me figured out. NOBODY has ever done that. Nobody. I do NOT feel sorry for myself and I am NOT on a pity party. Depression is a diagnosis, not a feeling. Same with anxiety. What I try to be is honest. I desperately don’t want to go to church. I believe in God and I think we have a great pastor. Yes, I have questions and there is a lot, and I mean a LOT, I don’t understand, but I just don’t feel one bit closer to God at church. Feeling close to God should be peaceful and church causes me great anxiety so I don’t feel His presence one bit. As a matter of fact, I feel farther away there than anywhere. But….I feel obligated to go so that’s just how that works. I’ve barely heard a word our pastor has said in five years.

Well, they say misery loves company. Maybe so…..unless you’re me. Then misery likes to be alone. Except there is no way…noWHERE for that to happen. I just want to have one good day. One day without panic. One day without without my heart pounding in my chest. One day where I can’t physically feel my insides shaking. One day. Just one. Today was overwhelming. I am completely exhausted. I battle back and forth about seeing a counselor again. Don’t really have the time or money to go, plus there’s the part where I’m not totally honest about everything when I do go so it doesn’t help like it should anyway. It’s really weird. I go from total panic mode to being completely numb. Too numb to cry, too numb to talk, too numb to even worry. But numb not calm. There is a big difference. I would welcome calm. Peace and calm. Anyone know where I can find those two friends, I’d love to know where they are. I’ve searched for them for as long as I can remember.

I used to actually think 1) that we all have a purpose, and 2) that it is possible for everyone to be happy. I’m not convinced of either of those things anymore. I think that my 1) purpose is to 2) be miserable. I am completely exhausted. Never been more tired. Defeated. I’ve never felt like God cared any less about me or my family. No comfort. No peace. Nothing. Pray….nothing. Not ever.

I think it is so strange that emotional pain can actually cause physical pain. This weekend has been painful. Actually this entire past week has been. Starting with mother’s day. I would give anything in the world to just feel peaceful…ever. The thing is, I just don’t feel like I’m repairable. Emotionally, I mean. I dread everything and have my entire life. Dread waking up, dread going to bed at night because I know I will feel the knot in my stomach as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. Dreaded school as a kid and dread going to work now. Dread coming home, dread being in a group of people. Dread, dread, dread. I assume I will never feel better, assume things will never be good and if they are that it won’t last, so I can’t enjoy the good. Same thing day after day, over and over and over. I just read a book suggested to me by a precious friend. The Healing Codes. The things in it actually made sense. Even to me. And nothing spiritual ever makes sense to me any more. Not for the last five years. So, I’m going to give it a shot. I have nothing to lose. So, if you’re reading this, thank you, “Aetna”!! Maybe this IS what I am missing…the one thing that will get me over the hill I keep trying to climb, just to stumble and fall right back down. Hopefully.

Well, this is my view at the moment. Sitting in the back yard, tiki torches lit, mason jar lights around my pergola plugged in, citronella candles burning to keep the mosquitoes away and a glass of red wine. Peaceful. For now anyway. Trying to soak it all up and enjoy it and ignore the voice in the back of my mind telling me it won’t last. Telling me peace doesn’t last for long….that the anxiety and the panic will always be there waiting for me to snap out of my happy place because they have ALWAYS been there. If only I could capture a feeling the way I captured this picture. Except for me it would probably be a lot like this picture. Unclear. Fuzzy. Hard to tell what it really is. Beautiful flaming tiki torch or fire from the pits of hell waiting to engulf all of those deserving of eternal punishment? I can turn anything into something negative. There are the “look at the bright side” people and then there are the “come on over to the dark side with me” people. I would be the latter. Except I don’t really want anyone else to be engulfed in the dark side….it’s sad and lonely here. Except for right now. Right now it is peaceful. Pleasant. Even happy. Except for, perhaps, one thing. I think the mosquitoes that live near my back yard may actually like the scent of citronella! Just. My. Luck. ??? At least I try to find the humor, huh?

Well, I decided to blog again.  Lots has changed since I stopped. I stopped because I gave up. Again. I decided to just make the best of things the way they are. Long story short, I got off of all of my medicine once again, only this time I replaced prescription medication with essential oils….which I can honestly say is the best things I’ve ever done.  I feel much better off of medicine and on something natural. For the most part, the oils do just as much good, or more, than medication only without any side effects. But today was bad….really bad.  Which is what normally happens after I’ve had a period of being unusually happy. I turned 50 9 days ago and had an absolutely wonderful “birthday week”! WONDERFUL! Friends at work made it a big deal, had a surprise dinner a few days later, weekend fun with all my family, shopping, got a tattoo on my foot! Yes, I was sober….just something I’ve always wanted to do! One word of advice….if you want to do something, DO IT!! Just because you want to. Anyway, then came the downward spiral. Spiraling into depression, anxiety and panic again and couldn’t stop it. Shutting down. Emotionally pushing everyone away. Wanting to be alone. Overwhelmingly sad. So very overwhelming.  So, here we go again. And the spiritual questions. Those never stop.  Still searching for something to believe in. Still dreading Sundays. Still trying to make it make sense to me AT ALL. And it still doesn’t. I just don’t get it. I’m just looking for peace. For myself. For everyone. And everything. I would still love, more than anything, to have a job working with animals….animals make me happy. They make me smile, even on the inside. Maybe someday. Oh, one word of advice about the tattoo thing….if you ever really want one, do it. I LOVE mine. It’s a seashell and if you know me at all, you know I love the beach more than anywhere else on earth. However, if you don’t have a pretty high pain tolerance, don’t get a tattoo on your foot. Hurt like hell. Next time, I’ll get one on my butt….lots of flesh back there! I probably wouldn’t have felt a thing! Anyway, tomorrow the search for peace continues……

Even though I don’t really post all that often, and even though these posts are more of a way for me to vent than anything else, I think I may be done. Just one more thing for me that really has no point at all. One more pointless waste of time. I figured something out today. This IS my normal. Normal is different for everyone and unfortunately, this is it for me. That realization didn’t help at all with the depression. I no longer search for happiness, I just want to survive the day the best I can. Pretend as much as possible, cry as little as possible, put on the act that most everyone is too blind to see through. I’m not good at a whole lot of things but I am an AWESOME fake. Usually. There is probably only one person on earth that can see through it but I don’t see that individual every day so it really is pretty easy most of the time. Lately, I sit outside a lot, go tan a lot, stay in another room of the house a lot, run to Walmart a lot. Whatever it takes to make it through each day, each hour, each minute, each second. Then I sleep, wake up, medicate and do it again. I think things will be slightly better when I stop looking for something that isn’t there. Kind of like someone who keeps looking for the person they will spend the rest of their life with, but can’t seem to ever find them. Maybe there isn’t someone for everyone. Maybe they are just supposed to be alone. Maybe I was destined for survival instead of happiness. So at least if I stop looking for normal…..and happy…..I can stop being disappointed when I don’t find it. What I really want is someone to talk to, to confide in, someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay, someone who won’t get irritated on my worst days, but I don’t have that and I know, for sure now, that I never will. So, okay. I’ll stop looking for it. It doesn’t exist. I hope anyone who ever reads this can find whatever they are looking for. Peace, happiness and “normal” to you all.

April 1991. That is when I learned the true meaning of the word hate. Not dislike, disappointment, anger, rage, etc. Hate. That is a very strong word with a very strong meaning. And I still feel it. Every day. I believe I always will. Which is extremely disturbing since I also believe that if you aren’t capable of giving forgiveness, you are also incapable of receiving it. So, there’s THAT looming over my head all of the time. It’s scary to have an emotion that you don’t know how to handle, how to get rid of, how to cope with. How do you make yourself stop feeling something? I think about it every single day. It has become almost an obsession again. Something I just can’t forget about. Twenty-four years later and the feeling is just as raw and as real as if it happened today. I have also been reminded of something in just the last few days. I can turn my feelings off within seconds, with the exception of my kids. Literally. I can love and care about you and your life one minute and the next minute, I really couldn’t care less. If you’re done being a part of my life then I’m okay with that and you can go away and stay away. I guess I shouldn’t say I can love and care about you because I’m not sure that I love people the way I’m supposed to. I do love my kids more than anything or anyone in the world. I would die for them and I would kill for them. I know I love them the way I’m supposed to. That love is unconditional. I don’t really get over things. Ever. Things that were said and done to me play over and over and over in my head constantly and I don’t know how to make them stop. It hurts. I have also learned that it is much easier to be mad than to be hurt. So I just stay mad. I don’t know. It is just beyond exhausting to even think about it or try to make it stop. So, I have survived another day. Yay. And I will survive another one tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. Until there are no days left.