Archive - May 1, 2016

Well, I decided to blog again.  Lots has changed since I stopped. I stopped because I gave up. Again. I decided to just make the best of things the way they are. Long story short, I got off of all of my medicine once again, only this time I replaced prescription medication with essential oils….which I can honestly say is the best things I’ve ever done.  I feel much better off of medicine and on something natural. For the most part, the oils do just as much good, or more, than medication only without any side effects. But today was bad….really bad.  Which is what normally happens after I’ve had a period of being unusually happy. I turned 50 9 days ago and had an absolutely wonderful “birthday week”! WONDERFUL! Friends at work made it a big deal, had a surprise dinner a few days later, weekend fun with all my family, shopping, got a tattoo on my foot! Yes, I was sober….just something I’ve always wanted to do! One word of advice….if you want to do something, DO IT!! Just because you want to. Anyway, then came the downward spiral. Spiraling into depression, anxiety and panic again and couldn’t stop it. Shutting down. Emotionally pushing everyone away. Wanting to be alone. Overwhelmingly sad. So very overwhelming.  So, here we go again. And the spiritual questions. Those never stop.  Still searching for something to believe in. Still dreading Sundays. Still trying to make it make sense to me AT ALL. And it still doesn’t. I just don’t get it. I’m just looking for peace. For myself. For everyone. And everything. I would still love, more than anything, to have a job working with animals….animals make me happy. They make me smile, even on the inside. Maybe someday. Oh, one word of advice about the tattoo thing….if you ever really want one, do it. I LOVE mine. It’s a seashell and if you know me at all, you know I love the beach more than anywhere else on earth. However, if you don’t have a pretty high pain tolerance, don’t get a tattoo on your foot. Hurt like hell. Next time, I’ll get one on my butt….lots of flesh back there! I probably wouldn’t have felt a thing! Anyway, tomorrow the search for peace continues……