Miserable

I’m trying to decide what would be better. Continuing to try to figure out how to be happy, or just accepting the fact that I will never be. I think it just is not in the cards for me. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like.  I think if I just never expect happiness then I won’t be disappointed when it never comes. Just try to make the best of every day, which is getting harder all of the time. I have several different levels of depression. One, I can fool everybody….and I do mean EVERYBODY….into thinking that I am just as happy as anyone. Another level and I can fool “outsiders”, meaning everyone except the people I live with. The next level, it is obvious to everyone that I am miserable. And finally comes the level that I am at now. The “shut-down”. I don’t want to do anything or be around anyone. I want to sleep. I don’t want to think. Smiling is a real effort. Even minor conversation is almost impossible. I don’t find any joy or happiness in anything. Miserable at home, miserable at work, miserable at church, miserable around people, miserable alone. No desire to even attempt to fake it any more. I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep. Forever.