So sad

The sadness has become overwhelming….almost unbearable again. I let my family see tears for the first time again the other day. I am just so very very sad and back to wanting to do nothing but sleep. Kids are all happy and healthy, husband is supportive, I’m loving being a “dog mom”, that has actually helped tremendously with the loneliness, but I’m still miserable. I just don’t get it. I don’t have the energy to keep this up.  Tomorrow is mother’s day and I’m not looking forward to any part of it.  Instead of the celebration of being a mom, all I will think about is what a failure I feel like I have been.  I will think of all the things I would have done differently, and I will be wondering what my sons think of me.  And I will imagine the worst. I mean, I will imagine that they think the worst. Then the guilt comes. They say that sociopaths feel no guilt. They feel justified in whatever they do. Surely there is something between what they feel and what I feel. Maybe that’s where my normal is. Sometimes I don’t think I deserve to feel normal….to feel happy. I feel like I’m too bad of a person to deserve happiness. Too much anger. Too much hatred. Too much unforgiveness. Too many things I can’t get over. I really am my own worst enemy. Time to stop thinking about it all……and just go to sleep. And dread tomorrow.