Easter Sunday

Last Sunday was Easter Sunday and it actually started off pretty well. I felt good…calm even…at church, which is rare. I enjoyed the service. I even felt the presence of God for a very brief moment. First time for that in years. Then lunch at my mom’s with my whole family, which started out well. Then it began. The fear, the anxiety, the panic, the knot in my stomach, the chest pain, the loneliness. I can be just as lonely in a room full of people as when I am actually alone. Sometimes more so. And no one has a clue. The emotional pain is horrific. Just one comment, one look from someone, and a good day turns into a day of mental chaos for me. And it starts over nothing.  My family does not fight and no one said anything in particular to make me feel the way I was feeling but once it starts it is impossible to stop it.  So, there went my brief period of “normal”.  Oh, well. I did enjoy it while it lasted.  I wish I had some kind of warning sign so I would possibly be able to intercept the feelings and perhaps even stop the emotional roller coaster before it starts, but it comes on too fast.  I am still in search of a purpose, trying to figure out what I can do in this world that would make a difference. How can I make some kind of difference? What is my passion? What “cause” do I believe in? Well, there are lots but I feel helpless to be of any benefit to any of them. If I could pick something, I would do something to benefit animals. That, right now, is the thing that breaks my heart the most. So many unloved, unwanted animals that need a home, that just want someone to love them. I feel like I share something with them in a way.  They’re lonely…..so am I. The way they LOOK in all of the sad pictures and videos we all see on TV and online….the sad eyes and lowered head, the look of defeat….that may not be how I am looking on the outside, but it is always how I am feeling on the inside. Always.