Total chaos

My mind feels like it is always in complete and total chaos.  All things considered, things really do seem to be going well, with the exception of a really horrible panic attack this last week….in public. Really bad. But I survived it and have been doing pretty well ever since. For the most part. I did cry a couple of times today but I managed to keep it to myself. I think so, at least. Sometimes I don’t know if no one notices if I cry or if they just don’t ask any more. Not that I could….or would….explain what made me cry even if they did ask. There are times that it is something specific that is bothering me, and there are times that I’m just overwhelmingly sad for no apparent reason. Or for lots of reasons. IF I had the money, and the time, I would probably try seeing a counselor again. Maybe a Christian counselor, since I’m still struggling so much in my spiritual walk. My relationship with God has been suffering since 2011. August of 2011 to be exact, and my life has not been the same since. So, I have got to figure out how to repair that relationship. My faith has really been tested and I have not done very well on the test. Pretty sure I failed it.  I need my relationship with God back because I’m pretty sure that He is the ONLY one who has the capability to understand me and help me calm the chaos.