Here we go again…..

I thought the panic attacks were just about over.  Nope. Apparently they are not.  I woke up terrified this morning. Complete with shaking, feeling short of breath, chest burning, about to burst into tears, mind reeling, inability to focus, and upset stomach.  Miserable. And it has been going on all day long. This has become life again.  So, I am somewhat torn about whether or not to get back on all of the medicine.  I really DO NOT want to.  I don’t know what to do.  I can handle being miserable.  I’m used to it.  But I don’t want to make those around me miserable.  My family deserves better. If anyone had any idea what I hear in my mind all day long, my whole family would have me committed.  Even though my spiritual life is definitely NOT what it should be, or at least what it used to be, I do know that there is evil at work in our lives, too.  And it is always lurking around to attack.  My attacks are always mental.  The voice in the back of my mind telling me that everything that goes wrong is my fault, that I’m a terrible person, that everyone would probably be a lot better off if I were not a part of their lives, that I should just give up.  It’s a lot like living with someone who is constantly putting you down and making you feel worthless.  After a while, you start to believe it.  It becomes ingrained in your mind.  You think about it all day every day.  I’m just exhausted from it all. Tired of hiding the tears. Tired of swallowing the lump in my throat. Tired of the fake smile. So very tired. I try to think about the days that are TRULY good. Days (or sometimes just minutes) where I laugh….really laugh….and am happy.  I had one of those moments Sunday afternoon.  Laughing hysterically at the kids playing with the dogs.  Really, truly laughing. My little slice of “normal” for the day.  I treasure those moments. They are few and far between. It felt wonderful! For a little while.  Maybe someday those times will outweigh the others.