Painful

I think it is so strange that emotional pain can actually cause physical pain. This weekend has been painful. Actually this entire past week has been. Starting with mother’s day. I would give anything in the world to just feel peaceful…ever. The thing is, I just don’t feel like I’m repairable. Emotionally, I mean. I dread everything and have my entire life. Dread waking up, dread going to bed at night because I know I will feel the knot in my stomach as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. Dreaded school as a kid and dread going to work now. Dread coming home, dread being in a group of people. Dread, dread, dread. I assume I will never feel better, assume things will never be good and if they are that it won’t last, so I can’t enjoy the good. Same thing day after day, over and over and over. I just read a book suggested to me by a precious friend. The Healing Codes. The things in it actually made sense. Even to me. And nothing spiritual ever makes sense to me any more. Not for the last five years. So, I’m going to give it a shot. I have nothing to lose. So, if you’re reading this, thank you, “Aetna”!! Maybe this IS what I am missing…the one thing that will get me over the hill I keep trying to climb, just to stumble and fall right back down. Hopefully.