Struggling to understand

Oh, how I wish I could understand my own though process. Things are good….really good. I’ve had some really good things happen in the last few weeks. We’ve had good news, everyone is healthy, I had everyone together and had a blast last weekend. And I am completely miserable. Completely. The knot in my stomach never ever goes away. I am just laying in wait for something to go wrong. For something terrible to happen. For the moment to be ruined. My phone goes off and my heart starts to pound and my chest starts to burn and my mouth gets dry because I’m afraid it will be something bad. I do not know how to make this stop. It is so mentally and physically exhausting. I have no interest in anything except what absolutely has to be done. I’ve never been so tired. Oh, and I have a birthday coming up. Yippee. Just once I want to look back and think, “wow, what a great year” instead of looking back and thinking, “well, I got through that….glad it’s over”. I keep thinking I’ll wake up one morning and feel normal, but it never happens. I wake up the same lonely, terrified person every day. So since I can’t “talk it out” with anyone I just “type it out” here. It does help some, I guess. For the moment.