My Journal

Well, that was interesting.  I received a journal as a gift for Christmas and I started writing in it on January 1st.  I wrote in it tonight and then went back and read everything I’ve written since I began. Crap, I really am a mess.  Bad day, good day, nervous, panic, feeling great, feeling sad, peaceful day, wonderful day, no medicine, need to be back on all medicine……WHAT THE HECK??  Very enlightening. What am I, bipolar?? Seriously? No, I mean SERIOUSLY?  Good Lord.  I did, however, have a pretty good day today.  I still have periods of being very emotional at church.  I had to step out for a minute this morning.  I’m not exactly sure what it is that makes me so emotional. I don’t know if it’s just that worship time makes me that way, or if it’s that being around so many people just makes me nervous.  I start to feel trapped, like I can’t get out.  I just want to go home.  So, it was either step out of the sanctuary for a second or take an “emergency xanax”.  I can’t remember the last time I took one, but they are always in my purse.  Always.  I just feel better knowing they’re in there.  IF I have to have one.  Fortunately, all it took this morning was to leave for a minute and take a few deep breaths. Then I was okay.  I have learned to stop worrying about when and if I have another panic attack.  Just be glad I’m not having one right now.  Or now. Or now.  Just take it a day, an hour, a minute, a second at a time.