Just another day…..

Sometime I think I should just try to go a few days without  even using the word “normal”…..I think I’m obsessed with it.  And really, the more I look around me the more I wonder what I think normal even IS.  I just know I don’t think I’m there yet.  It’s funny because when I was young, I was so terribly desperate to fit in.  Now, I don’t care AT ALL about that. So, I guess it is a little confusing what my problem actually is.  I just feel like every time things are going well, or normal in my mind, then something bad happens, I feel like my “normal” just went away again.  So when the crisis is over, I have to start all over again.  I really feel like it is all tied in with the anxiety and depression. And the ever-present loneliness.  Anxiety and depression always made me feel very different as a child.  It seemed my friends were always a lot more care-free than I was.  I never remember being care-free.  Ever.  I never relax completely. Unless I’m asleep. I’ve stopped my anti-depressant and all meds for anxiety.  Only one major melt-down since.  I just got really tired of swallowing a hand full of pills every morning.  Now I only take blood pressure medicine and something for arthritis.  Not too bad, I guess.  Days like today, I think I should still be taking all of it….but I’m trying to just hang in there. One thing I HAVE to work on is that when things are going well, I’m still miserable…..because I’m waiting for something to go wrong.