If only…..
I’ve said that about a million times in my life. If only I had made this decision differently. If only I had done this. If only I hadn’t done that. The only thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a good wife and a good mom. Sometimes….most of the time, really….I feel like I fail miserably at both. Not that anyone necessarily MAKES me feel that way. Not on purpose, anyway. It’s just one of the many negative thoughts bouncing around in my head all the time. Part of the “excessive feelings of guilt” the counselor told me I have, I guess.
I had an extremely bad panic attack Sunday morning. I actually woke up with it. It’s been a good while since that has happened, but it was really, really bad. So thankful for an understanding husband. Let me just say something to all of you out there who are in my shoes. We expect those who live with us to be understanding. But we have to be understanding, too. They really have absolutely NO IDEA what we’re going through unless they have suffered from anxiety and/or panic attacks. So, they do NOT understand. No way they could. And if we really love them, we don’t WANT them to understand because we don’t want them to feel what we feel. This was my rather crude analogy….I told my husband it would be like him trying to explain to me how bad it hurts to get hit in the nuts. He can explain it. I’ll believe him that it is excruciating. But I will NEVER know exactly what it feels like. So, just like we try to remain calm, not panic and not show our anxiety, they are trying to understand….to help….to fix things for us. But they can’t. So, we have to just appreciate the effort and take comfort in the fact that they’re willing to try to help and are doing their best to understand. It’s a lot to deal with and at times very difficult to live with, I’m sure. So, a big ol’ SHOUT OUT to those of you who walk on the calmer side of life for hanging in there with those of us who spend most of our days in complete mental chaos. THANK YOU!!
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