Archive - January 20, 2015

Maybe instead of Finding My Normal, this blog needs to be called Finding My Grip.  I seem to have lost it. The last day and a half have been hours filled with constant breath-stopping, chest-crushing, unrelenting panic.   It showed physically this morning, but the rest of the day I have kept it buried.  I think so, anyway.  I try to hide it so that I am the only one that has to deal with it.  Try to keep it from affecting anyone else if I can at all.  When I saw a counselor for a brief period of time, she administered a test that was supposed to reveal some of my personality traits.  I was very surprised.  It was incredibly accurate.  She said that I have anger issues.  Uh, yeah.  That no one, not even my family, REALLY knows me.  True.  That I scored higher than 99% of people who take the test on my level of anxiety. I knew my anxiety level was bad but that was surprising.  That I have extreme feelings of guilt.  That’s the one that I find a bit haunting.  EXTREME feelings of guilt.  Constant guilt.  It never goes away.  I really wanted to study psychology when I was young, but was discouraged from every direction.  I think my interest was greatly due to the fact that I knew I had issues myself and desperately wanted to understand myself better.  I knew somewhere, deep inside was a normal person just waiting to burst out.  I urgently want to find her.